Unpredictable 》h.s.

Chapter 13

I never actually go to sleep when I get home. I stay up and ponder life. Sitting in bed isn't doing anything for me though. I decide to take a shower hoping it'll help me want to fall asleep because I'm actually at home and not in Harry's arms. And, I think the best when I'm in the shower.

I grab a towel and head to the bathroom taking my clothes off on the way. I turn the shower on to my preferred tempurature and hop in. It doesn't take me long to start thinking.

°°°

I've been at home a lot lately besides my time with Harry and the days have seemed to go by a lot faster than I'd like them to. My mother is still nothing less than charming. Calum still isn't talking to me. And Harry. Harry just cant leave me alone. It's definitely not a bad thing, its just the way he looks at me. It makes time stop and my heart, it stops too. The way he holds my hand makes my fingers tingle. And the way he kisses me brings an explosion of butterflies to my stomach. When I'm around him its like my whole world changes. And it scares me. It scares me that someone can make me feel this way. It scares me that I can't control the way I feel when I'm around him. So, I need a break. I need a break from the constant flutter in my stomach and everything he makes me feel. I need a break from me not caring what I do when I'm around him. I need a break to think like me again. I need to be me. And I'm not me when he looks me in the eyes or holds my hand or kisses me. I'm not me. I need to be me.

I remember waking up next to him and feeling the weight of his arm around my stomach. I felt like nothing in my life was wrong. I felt happy. The most happy I've ever felt. But I can't feel happy. Not when my mother isn't like my mother. Or when I don't have any friends to talk about being happy to. And I need to be able to be happy with myself. I need to be able to feel like I can hold myself up when life isn't well and I don't feel that I can if I'm not with Harry. I don't want to depend on Harry. I need to be able to make myself happy.

And, I need my mother.

I remember the day that she changed. I was sitting at the counter doing my homework while my mother was cooking. Lilly, my little sister, was in the living room playing with her barbie dolls. Me and my mom were talking about our family trip we were going to take that summer to Orlando. She was so happy. She had the biggest smile on her face while talking about the beach and the clear waters. She talked about dad and they're big plans for a romantic night on the water. And then the phone rang. She wiped her hands on her apron and answered it. This was the last time I ever saw her smile.

The glow in her cheeks quickly vanished and her eyes lost color. Her hands started to shake and her lips tightly closed together. I didn't know what was happening but I knew it was bad because I never had saw my mother look that way before. She looked empty and broken. Something I wasn't used to. This was the day my father died. Someone found his car on the side of the road all smashed up and in front of the vehicle was an elk. My dad wasn't in the car though. He was about 12 feet away from it. The police said he must not have been wearing a seat belt because he flew on impact though the car windshield. They said that if he were wearing a seat belt, he'd still be alive right now.

It's silly how something so little like a seat belt can determine whether you live or die. Now everytime I get in the car it's the first thing I do. I put on my seat belt. My mother doesn't though. Well she didn't at first. I don't know why she didn't so I put it on for her everytime. Until she started doing it on her own. I guess she realized that she needed to. I don't know though. But every since that day. The day we got that phone call she's never been the same. She doesn't hardly ever smile and when she does its fake. She talks a lot more than she used to but I think it's the way she copes.

Lilly, well she didn't really seem to change much. She's kept everything to herself like she normally would. I've tried to get her to talk to me but she shuts me out. Maybe that has been her way of coping.

Myself though. It took me days to get out of bed. I wanted to wake up to my father tickling me awake and laughing till I couldn't breathe. I used to hate those mornings but now that's all I wish for. He was my best friend and now every morning I feel a little bit empty not waking up to laughter. But it's gotten easier I guess. It's been a year. I've moved on, at least I'm trying to. I have to be strong for my family so that's what I've been doing. I get good grades. I do what I'm told even when I know it's just my mom trying to feel in control. I get the groceries and clean up the house. I do what I can.

But it's growing old hearing my mother complain about me all the time because I'm the one that does everything. I don't know how much more I can take. And at some point my mother is going to have to become more like a mother. I need to be happy. We all need to be happy.

And Harry has to stop. For now. I need to get my life together before I think of bringing someone else into it. He needs to get his together too because I can't have him and my best friend hate each other or my life isn't going to change. Things need to change.

I need to change.

°°°

I turn off the water and wrap a towel around my body. I step out of the shower and find my pajamas. I lay in bed feeling proud of what I've come to over the last hour. I knew things had to change but I've never actually pushed myself to change anything till now. I'm changing and this world around me better damn change too.