this ones for you

School Tips: Anxiety Edition

I've learned that I can manage my mental illnesses just fine thank, when I have the freedom to plan out my days and adjust accordingly. During summer break I always feel so much stronger and honestly its because when something is too much, I can back off and give myself a break, try again tomorrow, or even in a few hours when I've calmed down.
School really wrecks that for you. I can't perform at 100% every day. I can't keep it up. And one day I really can't handle it and its too much and then that turns into weeks and FUCK. I'm coming up with my usual mental gameplan, where I basically sit myself down and say "okay babe, you need to put some safety nets into place because no, you can't do everything you need to, and thats okay, and you're not worthless because of it, and also you can do a lot even still and I love you."
The thing that's helped my functionality the most has been accepting my limitations for what they are. No pushing myself to pretend everything's fine until I break down, no hating myself for my own weaknesses. It takes a lot of the anxiety/self-hate spiral out of the school year.
Here's a list of practical shit that helps me:
- Wearing stuff I like. At least at my old campus, there was a huge greek presence and most girls wore the same style outfit (which is fine, for the record, just not my thing). I had a weird slump where I dressed really shitty because I felt like my style was out of place, so I gave up. It felt weird at first but wearing outfits that I liked made me feel better, even if I was dressier than a lot of people on campus. I like to wear really short dresses and ripped tights and sometimes grungy menswear. Seriously, one of my best friends regularly wears a dress with flamingos on it and she gets nothing but compliments.
This also extends to makeup or piercings or whatever.
- If someone is doing what you're doing would you judge them? No? Then don't worry. No one gives a shit if you have to step out of class to pee, or trip on the stairs or something. For real.
-Bring a book (like a fun book) and pull it out when you get anxious before class or during your break or whatever.
-Walk to class with headphones on. I can't even say how much this changed my life last semester. Walking in public sets off my social anxiety bells like nothing else, and now I look FORWARD to it. Play whatever music makes you feel strong, or happy, or comforted. Podcasts are even better. Its pretty hard to pay attention to the people around you when you're listening to a man explain the history of werewolves or whatever (*this is a real podcast called Lore and you should listen to it immediately). Honestly just having headphones plugged in with nothing playing makes me feel better, because I feel like I can ignore the people around me without coming off as rude.
- Do not be afraid to eat by yourself. This is kind of just a life tip, but you see this everywhere and its so true. If you do anything with enough faked confidence, it works. Put your feet up, read a book, play music, I swear to god no one ever looks at you weird or anything. Yesterday I went to a restaurant and ate a large bowl of soup, by myself, and it was glorious. I like to channel my 90′s teen movie vibe and pretend I'm the sexy mysterious loner, who sits alone at lunch reading Proust and smoking (*don't smoke, this isn't the 90′s anymore).
-People want to hang out with you. I know, but hear me out. You feel like a horrific walking disaster but they have NO IDEA.
Assume other people want to talk to you. Assume other people find you attractive. Assume your ideas are worth hearing. Assume people will admire you when you call out a racist asshole. Assume your paper is intelligent. Assume the question you asked in class was fine. Assume nobody gives a shit about the way you mispronounced milquetoast. If someone does they'll let you know but 9/10 you are just fucking fine.
- Channel someone else. This is embarrassing but its super effective so whatever. Basically when something feels like way way way too much, I like to envision myself as someone I admire. My current list of idols includes: Jessica Jones, Daenerys Targaryen, Beyonce, Black Widow, Nancy Drew, Julia Stiles as Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You, Sheryll Strayed, Lydia Martin, my friend Geneva who has never given a shit about anything in her entire goddamn life. For instance I cannot fucking handle doing this presentation, but you know what? Jessica Jones could and she'd probably fuck some things up but she'd be really confident and it'd still be bangin'. And then you just do whatever they would. And people ASSUME YOU ARE AS CONFIDENT AS JESSICA JONES. I have no idea if this is a healthy coping mechanism but its gotten me through some shit.