The Hawk's Son

Chapter 5: Truth

The burnt teddy bear sat on the edge of her bed, one ear torn and a button eye missing from its socket. The dirty patch on its worn stomach kept catching her eye and making her heart twist in pain. In fact, its presence almost seemed like it was mocking her.

That teddy bear was a reminder of her biggest failure...

... and a source of her greatest heartbreak.

Pain

That was all she felt.

Gut-wrenching, chest-tightening, agonizing pain.

Every time she looked at the toy at her feet, her mind wandered to that small baby boy she had once carried in her arms. She had assured herself then that her baby, her little Ed, would be as safe as he possibly could in Resembool. She didn't factor in the possibility of a war then, not when they were only rumors.

She was so stupid. She was so furious with herself. She wanted to beat her head against the wall a hundred times, slap herself, beat herself up if she could, but she knew none of those things would ever bring Edward back.

Suddenly, it felt like what she had gone through to give him up was meaningless. It was as if the universe was punishing her for giving her child away.

Rebecca seemed to think she didn't deserve it. She found out not long after she came back from her journey in Resembool. It was easy enough, she supposed, for her friend to piece everything together when she showed up on her doorstep, sobbing uncontrollably with the burnt teddy bear clutched tightly in her hand.

Rebecca took one look at the bear and understood. She took her in in a heartbeat and the both of them cried for the little baby boy who had stolen their hearts in the one month that he had spent with them.

Her friend told her to stop blaming herself. That she shouldn't punish herself for the things they had no control over. She told her it wasn't her fault that Ed had died. That she didn't deserve any of it.

But Riza knew better. It was her fault. All of it.

If she didn't give Ed away, he would've still been alive.

Or... If she didn't give birth to him, she wouldn't be experiencing this pain.

If she hadn't been so foolish on that night when she and Roy had...

No! she shouted in her mind, stopping her thoughts. Somehow, even after all she had been through, she could not imagine life without having her son.

But then the cold reality that he was gone crept back again and her tears came back. She choked back a sob as she tried to rid the image of the burnt body of a little boy from her mind.

It was no use. The floodgates opened again and she buried her head in her arms, letting the tears flow. Her shoulders shook as she released the pain, the tears, that she had been desperately holding back. Her heart constricted painfully and her lungs ached as her grief intensified.

She gave a guttural cry as she grabbed the teddy bear and threw it with so much force against the wall. It made a dull thud as it made impact and slid down silently to the floor, limbs all tangled.

Suddenly, she felt her grief boil into anger. It was as if throwing the toy had triggered something inside her.

Riza gripped her arms tightly, her nails digging into her skin as she tried to breathe. Flashes of what happened that night on Resembool kept playing inside her head.

The remains of the orphanage...

The burnt bodies...

Her son's lifeless form...