oh, ms believer

effervescence: tyler

n. bubbles in a liquid.
     //schiz & //suicide & //s.h.
     i was drowning. i looked around to find nothing but a small room with white walls that slowly turned darker and started filling with water with every breath i took, and every step i took. not knowing that, i walked around the room, touching each of the walls and corners, not knowing the outcome, but wanting to let myself know and understand that i am okay. i am living. with a normal and steady breath, or about 15 each minute. at that rate, the water began filling up the room very quickly and darkening in no time. my knees started shaking and stopped in my tracks, letting my back slide down, against the wall. my breaths got heavier and faster. now 30 a minute. i hugged my knees and sobbed into them, a slight foreshadow of what is happening to me.
     "im okay, im okay" i repeated. my bpm started slowing down and the water went up to my calves by then, and it was a roman silver shade. since i have adhd, its not easy staying still. i shot up, and started pacing around. it was now just below my knee. i was a little distraught of my shoes being ruined, but that didnt help my anxiety. my heart beat and breaths went down to a normal pace. i tried not to think about it, but the voices in my head kept telling me, "drown yourself in this water." i tried and tried to ignore. "youre a worthless piece of shit. might as well kill yourself."
     "go away, go away, go away," i reciprocated, rapidly. i started hitting myself in the head, not stopping. i hit myself thinking i could get rid of them if i hit myself hard enough. it didnt work. my heart rate went up, my breathing went up, and i started crying. again.
     already, the water was up to my waist. i pat the pockets of my jeans, in search of something. i found my car and house keys.
     "take them out and cut yourself with them, you little shit." he said.
     i contemplated doing what he told me. another voice was telling me to "do it, do it." i had a gut feeling that i should.
     i put the keys to my wrist, applied pressure, and swiped them across, wincing at the pain. breaths, heart, crying. by my elbows by now. an arsenic color. the perfect clear water soon got interrupted by a drop of blood. my blood. the color had a tint of red. it turned black. my hands were black. the water rose to my neck. the water was a deep onyx color, just like the walls. i was practically floating.
     i started treading in the water. i could see the dark "shadows" on my neck and hands getting larger and growing to my elbows and my lips. i had my last few inches of fresh air left, i tried not to waste it. i kept my breaths short and kept treading. i faced the fact that i couldnt stop the water from rising, and the shadows growing, and the walls darkening.
     to my nose, i blinked before the water swallowed me whole. then, in no time, the room was filled to the top. i opened my eyes. i couldnt hold my breath any longer. i exhaled, seeing the effervescence, and then everything went black. the shadows swallowed me.