My Writings

Thinking about you again

It's been almost 6 years of your passing, and finally I convinced my mom to let me buy the air freshener that you always had had your room and truck smelling like. Ever since I can't sleep unless that smell is in my room at night. And I'd be lying if I said I don't miss you every night. Heck you're the one who taught me to lick the chocolate off my fingers. I only knew you for 9 years of my life. And ever since my life has been total hell. If you ever thought no one would miss you. You were wrong. Cause I miss you almost every darn night. You visit my dreams and yet it still doesn't help me get over the fact you're gone. I don't think I'll ever be okay with it. I mean. I know you're gone, for good and yet I always think some miracle will happen and you'll suddenly be alive again. You've always been greatly missed. Even though you're literally always on my mind at night. Remember when I told you to never show yourself as a ghost because I was too scared. I've always wished you would. Hearing your voice in my dreams is comforting. Seeing your smile and hearing your laugh is amazing. And then I wake up and I realize you're not here anymore. I miss you more then words can put together. There is no word that has enough meaning to show how much I miss you. Obviously I miss you or else I wouldn't be thinking of you costantly and be spraying the smell of you before I go to bed. I guess. It just gives me that moral comfort that your here and it tricks my brain to think you're still alive. I love you, Grandpa. I always have and I always will. I hope you're not making too much of a raucous up there. Yes, I know this might make some people cry. But at least we're crying together right?. Without you. I haven't felt like myself since. I've been lost trying to find myself ever since I lost you. Because losing you. Took a part of me. A part of me I was not ready for. Nothing has really been right since your passing. Remember that time, when it was storming out and lightning hit right in front of the window. And blinded us all. And my light up shoes lit up. Me too. Remember when we had to push the regal into the garage with your truck and dented the bumbers of both your truck and the car. I always remember you'd come home first before my father. I'd always remember watching you get out of your truck and walking to the door just to say hello to you. I remember picking up your 65 ibls dumbells and lifting them over my head. I remember your massaging chair. I remember when my parents have you an Xbox 360 so you weren't so bored. There's a lot I remember. And the memories I think is what kills me the most. Although. They should make me happy. I just miss the memories. I miss the feelings I had back then. I miss you more then anything you don't even know. Even though you're probably currently watching me write this. I love you, Grandpa.