Vivid dreams of walking through crowded halls with painted faces. A crowded masquerade or maybe Halloween party. Everyone flowing around me like I were a bubble traveling through water. No one touching me as if I'd pop. Twirling dances and a strange silence of scuffling feet and heartbeats. I could not speak or I felt like I shouldn't. Just continued down the hall towards my unknown destination. A sound, a ringing began and the people became frantic as if gravity was shifting. Screams and cries all around but I continued walking. The ringing stopped and I woke up sticky with sweat on the basement couch.
What am I doing here? Halloween, Princess Sophia, Trunk or Treat, Steph and Tony, Tony and I, blood, and the blanket! Oh gosh the blanket. I ran into the laundry room yanked the blanket from the washer and tossed it into the dryer. Threw in a dryer sheet and turned the knob. Then I heard moms voice.
"Carmen, are you in the basement?" Mom asked from the top of the stairs.
"Yeah mom, I'm down here." I replied while walking to the stairs. When I reached them my hearts stopped. She was crying, her night gown was soaked in tears and she was shaking. I ran up the stairs to her "What, what's wrong mom? Are you okay?" I looked past her into the hall and started to move towards the stairs leading to the second floor "Is it dad, Sophia? What, what is wrong?"
She caught me by the hand and pulled me to her. Holding me and telling me it would be okay. "I'm so sorry Carmen." she cried.
"Mom, tell me what happened?" I pulled away from her and looked into her face.
"There was an accident" she spoke slowly. "Steph and Tony were hit by a drunk driver on their way home."
"Are, are they okay?" I asked trying to catch my breath.
"They've taken them to the hospital, Steph is in surgery we should go to her."
"Okay, yeah, lets go." I turned and started for the stairs when I realized she hadn't moved and never told me if Tony was even okay. "Mom, what about." before I even said his name she began to cry again and looked at me with so much worry. I knew right then that nothing was okay. "No." I said backing myself against the front door. "No!" I yelled "No! Don't you say it. Don't!"
Mom was walking towards me, reaching for me as if I was going to fall apart. And I did. I fell to the floor holding my sides and screaming. Begging to wake up, for this all to be a dream. Dad had come down the stairs and was trying to console me. Mom was sitting on the floor next to me talking and crying. I couldn't hear anything, my vision was blurry with tears, and it hurt to breathe.
Dad lifted me from the floor and held me in his arms. He spoke into my ears softly and I began to hear again "This is hard for you, I know. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now but you have to calm down. Stephanie is in the hospital and she needs you there. Tony would want you with Stephanie. Tony loved you honey, he loved you so much. He wouldn't want you feeling this, I don't want you feeling this."
I had stopped screaming and my tears had slowed. I was resting on his shoulder and I looked up to the stairs. I saw Sophia standing at the top of the stairs with tears wetting her face. She was clenching to the bear Tony and I had picked out for her for her birthday. "Soph" I cried out.
Sophia ran down the stairs and threw herself at dad and I. After a few minutes dad stood us up and told Sophia to go get me some clothes and my shoes. He took me over to the couch and mom went to the bathroom for a brush. Dad went into the kitchen, mumbling something about making tea and coffee. I was alone for just a minute. I couldn't think about what was happening. I couldn't believe it. I sat in silence trying to keep myself together I needed to go see Steph but I couldn't do that if I was laying in a ball screaming on the floor.
