Today is my first day back to school and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. It's been a month since I was last at school. My parents have been picking up my classwork so I wouldn't fall behind but thought I needed time. The scabs on my legs have turned to light pink scars. I rub over the pink lines and it gives me chills. Although the chills could be because I'm still wet from my shower in nothing but a towel and sitting on the toilet. The steam has all but vanished from the room. How long did I zone out?
I stand and unwrap the towel and finish drying the still wet parts of my body. I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself. I never noticed how much my body had changed. My body looks more adult than I feel. My hips have widened, breasts grown ever so slightly and a new development, ribs. Not that I didn't have ribs before but now you can see their outline along my side. I touch my sides and continue to watch myself in the mirror. I didn't realize how much weight I had lost while grieving.
Without thinking I walked to my desk where the beautiful letter opener was hidden. Before I removed it from the desk I stopped to listen, the hustle of the morning. Soph dragging her feet complaining about school, dad brewing coffee, mom watching the news and making lunches. Not a soul upstairs with me. I pulled the letter opener from the desk where it was hidden away but always calling my name and rushed to the bathroom. I went back to the mirror and looked at myself. Tiny goose bumps break out all over my body causing me to wrap my arms around my waist. The cool metal of the letter opener rests on my ribs.
Slowly I pressed the letter opener to my ribs and slid it across my skin. A gasp leaves my mouth by accident. I stop to listen but when I hear everyone still a floor below me I slide the blade across my skin again. I sigh, is this pleasure? It's relaxing in a strange way and pulls me from this world to give me a fresh look at what is to come. School.
I clean the cuts on my sides and bandage them so no blood will escape onto my clothes during school. I clean the letter opener and hide it away. I gather myself and pick out something to wear. A loose fitting t-shirt and a pair of now slightly too big for me jeans.I dug around in my closet for a belt. I had just touched the cool metal of a belt when Soph tapped me on the shoulder.
Shocked I turned and snapped "what are you doing in here?"
Sophia pulled back with a hurt look on her face "I just wanted to ask if you wanted breakfast."
"Sorry Soph, you just..you scared me." I tried to smile at her "let's get some breakfast." I turned to the closet and grabbed a belt I had felt before. I wrapped my arm around Sophia's shoulders and lead her from my room closing the door behind us.
The house was the same as it had always been but everything felt so strange to me now. Memories of Tony in every inch of my home. My home. Now a place where I felt less at home in than anywhere else.
Sophia and I walked into the kitchen where mom was sat at the table on her tablet and dad was in the kitchen. From the outside this would look normal but it's not. Normally mom would be gone for work or complaining about running late. Dad would be nose deep in the newspaper until it was time to take Sophia to school and usually we just had cereal on weekdays for breakfast. Today I've got both parents here at the table and a feast for four. Toast, bacon, and eggs. I sat with the family and picked at the breakfast I was served.
"Carmen, do you want something else for breakfast?" mom asked with concern in her eyes.
"This is great mom." I smiled "I'm just not that hungry."
For a few minutes everyone ate in silence until mom broke it once again. "I'm taking you girls to school today. I don't have a meeting until after you two should be at school so I want to take you."
