Scabs rubbing against the stockings under my yellow dress. A yellow dress to a funeral. My boyfriends funeral; nothing seemed right. I tugged at the dress wishing things weren't the way they were. The dress covered the cuts on my legs, but the stockings rubbed them and reminded me of what I had done. As if I could forget, I hadn't stopped thinking about how much that pain lifted the pain away from my heart. I looked to my desk drawer the sharp blade of the letter opener whispered to me in an unspeakable way. I stepped towards the desk slowly but heard foot steps coming down the hall. I jumped away as if I were about to be caught, there is no possible way anyone would know what I was thinking about.
"Carmen, are you almost ready?" My mom stood in the door way already looking like she had cried all morning.
"Yeah, I'm ready." I glanced at the desk and walked towards the door.
"You look beautiful, honey." Mom smiled as she looked at the yellow summer dress. "Should we get you a sweater? I might have a few that could fit you."
"I almost forgot, I have one." I walked to the closet but paused to look at the few things of Tony's I had. A few shirts and a sweater. I touched the sleeve of the sweater and pulled it to my face; breathing in the familiar scent. I dropped the sleeve and pulled a white wool sweater from a hanger and headed towards the door.
We headed to the cemetery in silence. I was shaking and reading my speech I had written over and over hoping to keep it together long enough to speak. Tears burned my eyes each time I thought about watching his casket be lowered into the ground. I wished that I could see him again more than anything. Our car slowed to a stop and we were at the cemetery where we would hold our small gathering around the casket to say goodbye. Everyone exited the car but I couldn't move. I couldn't do this, I needed more time. It became hard to breathe and my chest felt tight as eyes looked into the car at me.
Then from the crowd of people around the car Steph's face appeared. She frowned and made her way to the car. She walked slowly and looked as if each step caused her pain. My heart tightened and tears fell from my eyes. Stephanie opened the door "Move over." I didn't speak, I just moved over to let her sit next to me. As soon as the door closed she turned to me and pulled me to her. She hugged me tight and I sunk into her letting the tears flow.
After a few minutes I pulled away "Steph, how are you?"
"Carmen, don't worry about me I'm doing just fine. Take care of you today and let me help." Steph pulled me back to her and held me until I stopped crying. "You ready?" She asked.
I sat back and wiped the tears from my face. "No, but I don't have a choice."
We exited the car and headed towards the group of people. The first person I spotted was Stan, his eyes were red and but he had a small smile on his face as each person approached him and gave him their apologies. He spotted Steph and me down the line and his smile grew and his eyes filled with tears. When it was our turn he hugged us both and whispered "I'm so glad to see you two."
We hugged him tight and after a few moments we let go. He pulled back and looked Stephanie up and down. "I wasn't sure you'd make it kid. You doing okay?" he asked.
"I'm doing better. There isn't anywhere else I could be today." Steph answered.
"And you," he looked at me "I love the dress. Thank you for not wearing black and passing the message on."
We talked for a few minutes until the line behind us began to grow impatient. We found seats near the front and I avoided looking at the casket and the large photo of Tony. As we sat I rubbed into my leg over the scabs and feeling small bits of pain. The pain from rubbing the cuts felt real, unlike all of the other pain I felt in my heart. Steph leaned close to me her warmth pulled my attention from rubbing the cuts on my thighs to her. She looked so tired but I know she wont ever admit it. I looped my arm through hers and enjoyed the warmness she brought to me. Sophia and my parents sat next to me and as all the seats filled I couldn't help but to watch everyone around me. Some people I've known forever, some I had only seen in photos around Tony's house. My eyes traveled all around but I still avoided looking towards the casket. I looked to the side of the casket and noticed Tony's mothers grave. My heart ached for Stan he has lost so much, his love and his only son.
