My Digital Escape Preferences/ Imagines

Requested: Hailee Grace's Song

This is a request for the awesome @GeekyGamerGirl11

It was raining, and I was tracing the raindrops down the windowsill to pass the time. There was nothing to do, and Johnnie was writing songs for his upcoming EP, so I didn't want to bother him during his creative process. Instead, I thought about the world and random thoughts that entered my mind. I hated being alone all the time; all it did was worsen my depression. But yet my mind told me isolation was what I needed. Sometimes minds can manipulate their host like that. I wanted to change that about myself, but this is something that is inside my DNA that I just cannot shake.

I got up from the bed attached to the windowsill, and I walked into the kitchen to find something to eat. There were cabinets full of junk food, and the refrigerator was stacked with drinks piled up one on top of another. It made me think through what I actually needed. Was it food I was craving? Was it self destruction that I wanted? Honestly, I'm not too sure and it made my stomach uneasy. The feeling wasn't great, but it made me understand how I was feeling at the moment. Lost in my thoughts, I didn't notice the familiar scent of Johnnie in the air when he walked into the room. Facing the coffee machine, Johnnie wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. Since we met, he had this way of knowing when I was upset and managed to distract me from negative thoughts. But he never had those thoughts leave. He had no idea that I had depression, and I plan to keep it that way. I prefer to keep it as my little secret rather than having him now. It'd be better off this way. Johnnie kissed my neck once again before unwrapping his arms and pulling a water bottle out of the fridge before going upstairs again. Now, I'm left with my thoughts again.

Four Hours Later

Johnnie was still working on songs for his EP in his music room, while I was in the bedroom watching How I Met Your Mother. I wished that he would come out of the music room and cuddle with me, but I didn't want to sound possessive. I fought to keep my depression at a minimum, but it started to overcloud the rest of my mind, making me unable to focus on the television show. Sometimes I wish I could end it all right here in the middle of my thoughts. To make myself realize how pathetic I am compared to the disease that overwhelms my brain, I fight off the depression and manage to make it into the bathroom to get the razor. I searched through my drawer, and I found it within the matter of minutes. I sit down on top of the toilet seat and begin, starting with my wrists. Why bother fighting depression? It'll always win. Why do you keep living with depression when all it does is hold you down? Now, the cuts were becoming deeper and further scarred my wrists. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to give myself a chance to release energy that's focused on my depression 24/7.

Johnnie entered the bedroom, and I threw the razor in the vase that sits atop of the toilet while straightening up myself like nothing happened.

"Hailee, you in here?" Johnnie shouted to have me respond, but instead I just walked out of the bathroom. Johnnie immediately wrapped his arms around me and tried to spin me around. I couldn't help but let out a few giggles, but they felt more forced than natural. I sure as hell hope that he doesn't realize that. To my dismay, he let me down and we both jumped onto the bed and relaxed in the sheets.

"Hailee, I love you so much." A small smile crept onto my face.

"And I love you too." We spooned where he was the big spoon and I was the small spoon. But he sat up on the bed while he played with my sleeve, and I noticed blood gushing out. Damn it. Johnnie was silent and just watched the blood in awe. I was afraid this was going to happen at some point, but why did it have to happen so soon? 

"Is there something you need to tell me?" Johnnie asked with tears threatening to fall down. 

"If I told you, I'd scare you." I whispered. 

"You're already scaring me. What more could you be hiding?"

"Besides self-harm, Depression has taken over my life. I'm sorry." I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. I knew that his eyes were burning with tears and I couldn't face him. 

"I understand, Hailee. I understand 100%. But what I don't understand is how long you've faced this battle. You're much stronger than the depression is, and you don't show your strength if you let it control your life. I love you and I don't want to see you like this." Johnnie lectured, "Here, follow me." 

We walked out of the bedroom and entered the music room. Why would he bring me in here? He sat down in front of the piano and started playing a song, as well as singing along to it:

Three in the morning while the moon's still out,

The sorrowful weaves in the quilt remain

And here I stand with my hands tied

Endless thoughts drift throughout my brain

And it makes me know that their shadows are still around

Soon the sun will take the position of the moon,

And the reflection of the sunlight will come down on me

Gives me something to believe in;

Gives me something to have a little hope

This pain will last throughout this night,

Sure it hurts for now,

But soon the sun will clean my eyes,

For just one minute I could take my mind off of it

But soon it'll come back to haunt me

Left alone with the reflection of the mirror

To face the woman that I am, but still shattered

And it's because of the constant warfare in my mind

Struggling to remember what is real and fantasy

To remember that there's no such thing as in between

And we continue to sing this sorrowful song,

And rejoice in our pain,

It hurts that it's no longer a stranger,

But this is how it has to be

This pain will last throughout this night,

Sure it hurts for now,

But soon the sun will clean my eyes,

For just one minute I could take my mind off of it

But soon it'll come back to haunt me

"I wrote this to help myself during my episodes of depression, but it looks like you need it more than I do. This is Hailee Grace's Song."