pain that lies within

Recalling bad dreams

      The next morning I wake up to the sounds of loud knocks coming from the door, I check my phone and surely I realize that it is five minutes before noon. I open the door and Marcus is standing on the other side. "You do realize that the door is always unlocked right?" I ask him with an annoyed look on my face.

  "Yes actually I know but I'm a gentleman so I knock before barging into a girls room" he replies.

   "So like a mom does before she opens the door instead of waiting for you to open it" I answer back with a smirk. We stand there in complete silence before I ask "so, why are you here?"

   "Oh yeah that, I don't know I was bored." I give him a sarcastic smile as to say I heard his comment before I shut the door on him.

       A couple of minutes after I finished getting ready I walk out of my room and into the halls to start another day of lies. Today I had my scheduled session with Sally so I make my way out of the hospital and into my mother's car. "Hey" I tell her with my semi-pity smile. 

     "Hi sweetie how are you feeling today?" she replies back with a smile but I can tell it's to smack away the pain. 

     "I feel great" I answer while thinking lies,lies,lies. She starts to drive and I watch as her true feelings start to break through her smile. It's funny how people show who they really are or how they really feel when they believe no one is watching. After staring at my mother for a couple of minutes I begin to feel like I owe it to her to tell her one true thing so I brake the awkward silence. "I made a friend" I tell her and watch her face to see if it shows its true colors. 

      I see her face light up while she keeps her gaze straight on the road and she replies back "wow Cara that's really good news, whats her name?" 

   "Um, well his name is Marcus." 

   "Oooh his name, is he cute?" she says in a mocking tone. 

    "MOM" I reply back and we both start laughing, in that moment I felt like I could finally have my old relationship with my mother back but then this little voice enters my brain and I start to worry that I might mess it up again because, I'm addicted to my own self-destruction. 

We make it to the parking lot of Sally's office, I get out of the car close the door behind me and wait for my mother. She rolls down the window and says "go in hon, I'll be there in a minute." So I did just that, I walk into the waiting room area in Sally's office and to my surprise Sally is waiting by the door for me. 

     "So you made it, for sure I thought you were going to cancel on me." Sally says but I say nothing in return, I just look at her and then walk into her office. We sit down much like we did on the first day but unlike the first day I actually felt like talking. 

     "I made a friend" I tell her to brake the miniature awkward silence that was growing in abundance. 

     "wow ok, thats progress, making new friends can be a scary thing but it's good sign of recovery." 

     Recovery, RECOVERY, ha she seriously thought I was actually recovering. I am pretty sure I have lost more weight than what I came in here with but also not quite sure because I don't have my own scale.      

   We sit there in more silence before Sally starts talking again "Today I want to skip the whole professionalism that is required for my job and go straight into having a normal friendship conversation, is that okay with you?" 

   When have you ever been professional I think but from my mouth comes out the words "sure, why not."

"OK" Sally begins, "Have you ever had weird dreams like I recall this one time, it was while I was pregnant, I had dreamt that I was delivering my child in a burning building." 

  "Um okay" I say in response but Sally was not pleased by it and so without her having to say a word I start to think, when was the last time I had a dream. 

     "It was during the first stages of my 'eating disorder' I was at a party with Lily, I remember I hadn't had much to eat throughout the day just 2 cups of green tea for breakfast and a rice cake with peanut butter for lunch. Once we got to the party I started feeling light headed so I allowed myself to eat a couple of nuts so I wouldn't pass out. Once the party had ended Lily went home with a guy and I drove home alone, I was still a little light headed but it wasn't strong enough to make me faint. I got home that night and quietly locked myself in my room and jumped on the bed without even taking my shoes off." I then pause myself because without me even realizing it, I had just admitted to having a disorder. 

    Sally looks at me with anticipation in her eyes and says "well go on, why stop yourself now?"

So I did go on and I told her about a silly dream I once had about me eating a nut that had more calories than any human should eat. I woke up the morning after shivering from fear but then I was okay because I realized that it was just a dream...... 

                                                                        I've never eaten nuts after that night.