pain that lies within

The placebo effect

       I don't quite know how to explain how I'm feeling, outside of the body experience maybe but I know it wouldn't be that trippy, for it was only pot. paranoid of course, that'd be it, I have taken in much more than what I expected one gummy worm turned into two and those two ended up being half of a bag. I couldn't slow down, my tongue, my body, missed the feeling of sweetness inside of me. Sugar was definitely something it longed for but I wouldn't allow myself to have it, until now. The pure adrenaline, pure source of bad fructose ran through me and the sensation of not being there allowed me to let go. Marcus didn't say anything, didn't tell me to slow down, instead he watched as I let go of myself quite proud of himself. It's as if there were two of me, only that the second me was watching from the outside, watching as I got fatter and fatter. The other me, sat there, letting calories consume me, allowing it to enter the temple I worked so hard to keep thin. 

     "Don't seem so pleased with yourself" I say as I turn too look at Marcus straight in the face. 

    "You allowed yourself to let go" he says in response. 

I know that, don't you think I know that.

"I guess now it's the right time to tell you..." He continues. 

"Tell me what?" 

"I lied, these are just gummy worms I bought at the cafeteria earlier, so my friend, you actually ate." 

"You did what now" I feel a tingly feeling overcome me. I have to let it all go, I have to, I can't keep it in, is it even possible to vomit gummy worms, what the F*** is wrong with him, why - Why - WHY.   

"I placebo effected you" he says with a smile on his face. I knew things were too good to be true, I should've never trusted, no one is to be trusted.  

I get up, heart beat in ears, and run pass broken families, pass doctors in what now seem like heavy coats, pass fat girls and bone thin males. I run to burn all I have consumed, I enter my room and immediately begin to do push ups on my bed. 

One

    Two

         Three

             Four .......

                  Twenty Five 

                      Twenty Si...

I feel my eyes speed up in my head, shifting side to side. The light above me becomes brighter, I am able to see the interior of my eyelids. 

I wake up to sounds of shoes hitting the ground, wheels shifting beneath me and the feel of nurses hovering above me. I blink and I am back in my hospital room, I see my mother sitting at the edge of my bed. 

"The doctor said you were at verge of dying" I hear her say as I try to focus my eyesight on the things that surround me. 

"Damn it Cara, I thought you were trying to get better, I can't deal with this anymore" she continues. I feel my nose DAMN IT, I've been tubed. 

"I won't be able to visit for a while, dad said he'll try to come but we've talked with Sally and she has agreed to come to give you therapy in here." I see her get up, my eyes follow as she comes closer to me.

 "I love you Cara, no mother wants to see this happen to her child but you're almost 18 years old, you'll soon be able to decide what you want to do, whether you stay or leave I can't keep up with all of this." I stay quiet and watch as she leaves, I know I'm a disappointment, if you would just let me die than maybe you wouldn't be suffering.