I'm Just The Outcast

I Don't Know How To Say This But...

I was looking at her with my vision blurred from the tears and she could tell it was important, so she pulled over and parked on the side of the road. 

"What's the matter baby?" She turned the car off and turned over to hold my hands and look into my eyes. "He was mean to you wasn't he?"

"Mom, I just wanted to say that you are a great mom and I don't know how to say this but I love you to death and even after that. I'm sorry about Dad and I'm sorry that I made him leave us for good that time. You have always been and always will be my best friend but also my favorite parent and my most loved human." By then she was crying too and we giggled together at the last part of that sentence. 

"Aw my little miracle I love you so much more than you know, you are my favorite in every category there is. You will always have me here and I always love you no matter what, so why don't you really tell me why you are crying?" She swept my hair out of my eyes and rested her hand on my cheek after she wiped the tears away. She gave me a warming smile that only made me want to tell her everything that had happened, but I couldn't.

"I just saw pictures of Alex's parents together with him and his little brother and I just started thinking about you and Dad. I know you were pregnant when I was in the hospital, did Dad know?" I really surprised her when I said that because her eyes widened and then she looked down as if she thought she had hidden it but really didn't. 

"Honey how did you know that?" She asked in a soft voice but I could tell she didn't want to talk about it; it just bothered me that she never told me what happened with the baby. 

"I woke up one night when you didn't know it and I heard you talking to the nurse outside my door about what to do about it, I don't think you should have asked a complete stranger about whether to keep a life that YOU created or not. It really wasn't any of their business and they didn't know anything about our family, why didn't you talk to me or even Dad if you couldn't find anybody else? I never knew which nurse it was because I passed out after I heard you explain everything to them." I was looking down at my hands because I realized that I had hit a nerve with both of me and Mom.

"Can we talk about this later sweetie? I'm not feeling the best in the world right now." That was her 'you better shut up now before I explode' voice so I just sat there nodded. "Oh good now where do you want to eat?"

We were in the McDonald's drive thru when she had finally calmed down and started talking to me again, but not about the baby, she wanted to talk about how things went with Alex. 

"You texted me and told me you guys were playing video games and eating pizza. How did you get sick? You weren't drinking were you?" She was in her parent mode which is her defense mechanism when she is vulnerable. 

"No we weren't drinking, I just ate a lot of pizza and didn't drink anything so I was dehydrated." I was hoping she would notice the flaws in the stories that were being told, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Ok well please be careful next time you go to his house ok?" She actually thought I wanted to go back? Hell no!!!

"I don't want to go back there too soon or he will think I'm clingy and obsessive, you know?" I was trying to buy me some time before I could figure up an actual excuse as to why I didn't want to go back.

Truth be told I was planning to kill myself and succeed this time so I wouldn't have to go back, plus my mom wouldn't have to deal with all of my depression bull shit and she could have a happy little family when she finds a new husband when I am gone. When I'm gone she can keep the baby and won't have to worry about me and all my shitty depression issues while she has a new baby. 

Yea she'll be fine without me, hell, she'll be happier without me. I mean I hate myself and I love her so why not just kill myself so she can have a fresh start and I can be rid of myself, it makes perfect sense to me. Doesn't it make sense to you too?