Poems And Ramblings

4) My Inner Mind {Rambling}

I sat in comfortable silence as the world around me buzzed
I couldn't bring myself to socialize though
I was too stuck in my own head thinking and over thinking
Mulling over the thought of being alone from now on
Alone is where I've always ended up
Even in a room full of people I'm the loneliest
I'm the one who sits in the back corner of class
Cliche I know
I sit there and write
Maybe that's why I'm failing math
Some say I'm lazy
But it's hard to concentrate when you're having a panic attack because you're trying so hard to grasp the concept that the teacher is going over but your mind won't stop and listen and for cohesive sentences and you're so distracted you start to question your life and all your decisions.
And then the bell rings and your paper is empty and you know you'll have to come up with a stupid excuse as to why you failed another test, got another 0 for classwork, explain why your teacher called home worried about you when you didn't show up for a week because you were to depressed to go.
You begin to hate yourself more and more day after day for being "useless", "stupid", "waste of space", "antisocial", and more.
It doesn't even have to be the bullies from elementary anymore because they've imprinted themselves so far deep in your mind that you think down upon yourself willingly.
And you cut where no one can see, because you don't want them to think you're "asking for attention".
You want to hide behind your hair but you get stared at because you change the color so often.
And you change it because it's the one thing that you can control in your catastrophic life of internal pain.
I want to get better I really do, but telling someone opens up room for more judgement, more stares, more "get over it", more "Well everyone feels depressed sometimes"
No one truly understands that it's not just sometimes. It's always there in the back of my mind, even on the best days. It's like that voice that says something might go wrong, but so much louder. It screams at me telling me how worthless I am, it changes forms voices, it sounds like my mother, my father. I can never do anything right. I can't speak openly in my own house without a debate. I can't support lgbt, because "bisexuals need to pick a team" and "It's how they were raised" and "transgenders don't exist god made you the way you are for a reason". But I like girls and boys, I think you can be born in the wrong body. The only person who can know the most about yourself is you, it's not just confusion. You don't "see transsexuals in nature" because they aren't as complex as us. Even the nature point is invalid, HUMANS ARE APART OF NATURE, DECENDED FROM APES, DID YOU EVEN GO TO 7TH GRADE? Oh yeah I forgot you dropped out of high school, you didn't even make it through geometry, so how dare you say that my grades "aren't good enough" or that "I can do better" or "I'm not trying" because I can tell you one thing, I am trying my hardest. I am stuck with a fear of failing but no will to try. I'm in a purgatory of just getting up and living, I need something more. I feel stuck in this close minded southern way of living and I need out. I need an escape if only for a month. So goodbye.

A/n: I wrote this on the same drive as the first poem in this book, it hold alot of emotion and anger towards people in my life. For me this is about escaping, the town I live in and my mind. I hope you enjoyed.

~Rachel :)

Word count: 655