Poems And Ramblings

7) Him {The Truth}

To be precise, it's been 160 days or 22 weeks and 6 days since the day we got together. Thats roughly five months. We aren't still together though, and it rips me to shreds. He broke me, made my heart a thousand pieces. We got together on April 6, 2016, and stayed together for a little over a month and a half. Not a very long time i know, but i fell for him, hard. Three months since the break up and he's in my every waking thought, and sleeping if i'm honest. The break up was... well, weird and confusing. He wasn't talking, or wasn't ever talking serious. I mean, i love joking around and stuff, but sometimes i just want to be serious and talk about the future. It didn't even have to be our future, maybe just his. What he want's to be, what he thinks about at 3 a.m. I just wanted to know more. So, i texted him "We need to talk"

"About what?"

"This isn't working..."

"Oh, so we're breaking up, okay"

"no, i don't want to break up, just something isn't working, i wanna fix it."

"there's nothing to fix, you can't change for people"

"I don't want you to change, I love you for you"

(this is all paraphrased)

blah blah blah, really confusing texts and we're broken up, but it ended in I Love You's. Hence, the confusion. I'll admit, i was a major bitch to him after when i shouldn't have been. Maybe, if i wasn't he would still be in my life, or maybe we would be back together, but i can't focus on the maybes. They hurt too much.

I was mad for the first two weeks. Then i left the state for a month and fucked around the next. Forgetting. Now, it's been another month. A month of seeing him everyday, and i can't forget. No matter how hard i try he's in the back of my thoughts, making me love him. Sometimes, i completely forget why we broke up, and remember how petty it was, and how much i wish we didn't. My heart hurts to think of him, or see him smile. I want to cry knowing i ruined something amazing because of self doubt. I have fallen into a spiral of depression, and i don't know if i can shake it this time. I get high to forget for a while, but eventually it washes back over me. Like a ocean of memories and feelings and and i can't take it.

Now, he says he doesn't hate me, but there's no way to be sure. It seems like he avoids me. I hate myself, because i keep questioning myself. Why? What did i do to make him fall out of love with me? Is it because I'm annoying? Am i not pretty enough? Not skinny enough? I only eat one meal a day now, i think I'm losing a lot of weight. I'm always cold, my pants are starting to become too loose, shirts don't fit as tight, I'm always tired, and i have a constant dizziness and headache.

That's not about him. he didn't do this to me, i did. I am responsible for the hurricane i have become. Sometimes i read a quote "I'm fucked up because of you, I'm not one to place blame, but i would've been fine if you weren't so reckless." In a way it's right. My emotions are fucked up because of him, if he would have noticed how sensitive i am, maybe he would have been more careful with the heart i gave him. He fucked up my mind, thoughts swarming of him. All the little details i can remember. Middle name Wiley. Favorite color purple. Favorite tree willow. Shoe size twelve. Birthday April fourth. He loves plaid shirts. He's not fond of his father, and doesn't really talk about his mother. Eyes brown, but not just brown. His eyes were like chocolate laced with veins of gold, so piercing it was as if they could see your soul with one glance. I never wanted to look away. I wanted to stay in his arms for the rest of my life. He made me want to have a life. He made me see things a new way. Purple always shined brighter. Even now, as my hair is purple and blue, his favorite was purple, mine blue. He doesn't give me a second glance, but for some reason i always want to take his feelings into consideration. What would he think? Would he be proud of me? I feel pathetic. I didn't even have a favorite tree before him, but willows became the most beautiful of them all. Now, they make me sick, remember the smiles we shared, and know we'll probably never share them again.

They say losing your first love is hard, if i knew it was going to be this hard i would have stayed away. Not gotten involved. Missed out on something all consuming. "Maybe I'm just hard to love and easy to leave" This quote makes me think. It's my fault, i make it hard to love me. I made it so hard to love me, it was easy for him to leave. I know I'm a difficult person, i wish i was simple, but I'm not. My mind is full of quotes that could describe us, or the lack there of. "What i wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say that there is no one else you could ever be with. I wanted to be someone worth fighting for." -Brooke Davis.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, it's one of my specialties. Maybe I didn't mean that much to you, but to me you were everything. I was happy every minute i was with you. I trusted you. I tried to always listen to you. I loved you with all of my heart, and i don't think you know how hard that was for me. To open up and love freely. To trust you with my heart knowing there was no true guarantee. It hurts.

"Perhaps the fact that i chased a boy who ripped me to shreds says more about me than it does about him" -Michelle K.

"Do not makes homes out of people. This will make you homesick and sad, missing arms that cannot hold roofs, hearts with shaky foundations" -Michelle K. He shouldn't have become my home, but he did. I am homesick, but I'm on the streets, cold and alone. His arms aren't my home anymore, even when i wish i could just curl up into them forever. The sad thing is, no one knows how much he affected me. I'm pretty good at pretending i don't have feelings. I guess I'm sort of afraid people will think I'm being silly, so hung up on a guy even though our relationship was short. I was once told that time didn't matter, it's all about feelings. And i felt so much. We made so many memories, from the first time we spoke to the end of our relationship. And maybe it won't matter in ten years and I'll think i was young and dumb, but right now it matters because it's tearing me apart.

He was my rock, and you'll never know the irony of that phrase. He held me anchored as the storm rushed around, from the beginning.

Maybe I'll find a new rock, a new anchor, a new home, but i hope it won't hurt this much. Because, now... i think I'm scared to love again.

Word count: 1277