The Fifteen

Chapter 9: Pokerface

Illa's POV:

So what I cried myself to sleep last night?

So what I was screaming when I woke up?

So what I didn't feel like breakfast was necessary?

So what I had a nightmare?

So what it was about Adam?

So what I put on a fake smile when I looked in the mirror?

So what nobody realises?

So what nobody cares?

So what my parents decided to send me away?

So what I probably won't know any of the other fourteen members?

So what the guilt is killing me inside?

So what I know it's my own fault?

So what I know I could have prevented this?

So what today wasn't necessarily about me?

So what today had something to do with Marissa and Opal?

So what my last words to Marissa was 'Fuck off'?

So what half my siblings are rotting six feet under?

So what the other half aren't going to say goodbye?

So what I'll never see them again?

So what I have no future since I'll probably die in Mars?

So fucking what?

Hope is useless. It tears your heart when your not there. It pulls your eyes out with blood drips from your sockets that used to hold your eyes. It deceives you in every single way, mending you until you're nearly fixed, then breaking you, from the inside out.

Hope is a simple word, a false word, a hated word. It is hated by many, overused by the population of this world and wanted, needed even, by third world countries.

Right now, I am a hater.

A hater of hope.

I know it's childish, but I just can't seem to let it go. To move on. To live life like I should.

"Tut." My icy tone snarls at my repulsive reflection in the mirror, it's gaze catching and holding my own.

"I miss Adam." There, I admitted it.

I miss him so much.

I should send the letter. Maybe he'll get it before I go.

I hastily jot down a few more sentences,

'If you get this before Monday, I'll still be here. If not, I guess I'm in Mars with fourteen other troubled people eh? Fourteen other people like me. Five guys, Four girls, Five adults and me. I'm definitely not ready. I haven't even packed yet.

Okay, so first I'll get an eviction notice and a bag limit of ten, I think. But honestly, who would bring ten bags?

I mean, I know it's for 80 years but still. I don't even have enough clothes to fit five bags and the limit is ten, what the hell?'

My thoughts float back to Adam and his calm aurora that he always has around him. The hope he brings and the kindness of his sincere heart.

Hopefully I'll get to say goodbye face to face.

And I won't lose the boy I just met.

No, never.

I won't lose Adam.