GONE | h.s

04

"Crazy how two people fall in love with each other, Just to turn around and hurt one another."

Bit of foreshadow;)

04

                My heart quickened its pace as I read the first words off the paper. My eyes flicker back and forth at the words, assuring myself I read the them correctly.

What did she mean by she was supposed to die?

I turned the first page, since those were the only words on it, which I was greeted with a journal entry.

January 26, 2014

Dear Harry,

Last night was the night you first told me you loved me. That you never wanted to watch me leave, and asked me to spend forever with you. Clearly, I would never say no. I loved you more than anything in the world. More than myself even.

But last night was the night I was supposed to die.

Day by day, I was plotting my death. I wanted it to be painless. I thought of drowning myself, but humans automatically come back up for air. Then I thought of  hanging myself, but back with the drowning, it would be too painful. Then the idea first struck me, pills. I'd over dose on pills.  Easy, painless, and simple.

If your reading this, you must be asking me why? Why would I want to end my life, when I just got engaged, and an offer to spend the rest of my life with the person I love?

Simple, I hated myself. I was truly disgusted. Every morning I would wake up, and stare at myself in the mirror, and I would see an innocent girl; who had lost her innocence. I was lost, Harry. 

But it wouldn't matter, because by the time your reading this, I'll be dead. Or not. Maybe the demons eating my soul, would suddenly disappear and let me live the happy life I dreamt of. Maybe I'd be given the golden opportunity to escape my demons.

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

Or maybe my sudden hatred from myself would suddenly disappear and I can grant you the happy life you've always dreamt of.

I decided to stop half way into the entry, seeming my fragile heart couldn't take in anything else. My heart ached. It hurt.

Is this what love truly is? To wait around for the person you love, only to have them leave in the end?

I dropped the notebook on my bed, and grabbed my coat. I couldn't stand being here. It felt as if a chain was tied around my neck, suffocating me.

By the time I made it to my front door, I've manage to break two lamps, and three expensive side tables.

I head down my flat, out into the streets of downtown Chicago, while the rain pours down on me.

I skip through all the rushed citizens who are rushing to get to their destinations. Frankly, I didn't know where I was going, most likely a bar, but I didn't care though.

The rain poured down onto me, shivers swam through my body, ignighting  the loneliness I've felt for the past three weeks. 

At this point, I couldn't tell if it was tears streaming down my face, or it was just the rain. My heart ached. The pain was too overwhelming. It hurt. Everything hurt.

In this moment was when I realized I was tired. I was tired of the lonely some. I was tired of the pain. I was tired of waking up every morning without Grace. Most of all, I was tired of being tired.