Drops of clear teardrops drip onto my wrist, mixing with the red liquid, washing away the blood and revealing the numerous cuts across my wrist. It hurt, it hurt a lot but it doesn't hurt as much my heart and soul. It was my only escape. Crying isn't enough to wash away my pain, so my blood replaces the tears as my soul cries along. Soon, the soil beneath me started to become damp from water drops. I thought it was my tears, but I could feel the light impact on my body.
It was raining.
It was as though heaven felt my pain and cried for me. My cries slowly become soft sobs, I covered my mouth to let no sound escape even though there was no sign of anybody in the park. I dropped my blade and rocked myself on the ground where I hid behind a large tree trunk. The raindrops crashed onto the surface, turning the soil into mud and slap on to my back. The grey sky boomed as I sobbed loudly in the noise. Reminders of the past events flooded into my mind; I let myself fall into the darkness and relieve all the grief I've been keeping inside.
It's so unfair. I thought. Why do I have to be born like this?
I questioned myself, my existence and my purpose.
But I found no answers.
Suddenly, my body temperature dropped the moment I'm no longer trapped in the rain. I raised my head up to catch a young man looking down at me. A special trait he has is his long face. Although he isn't as good looking, I didn't know why I still find him handsome. Maybe it was because of the kind look he has which warms my heart.
"Are you okay?" He asked as he crouched down next to me.
My voice cracked as I said,"I'm fine."
"Let me bring you home, you'll fall sick if you stay in your soaked clothes."
"I don't have a home!" I cried out. "Leave me alone.."
It was silent for awhile until my sobs subsided. He gently gripped my arms and pulled me up from my spot. I was bewildered, to say the least.
"W-What are you doing?!"
"You can't stay in that, I'm bringing you home." He started dragging me by the arm while ensuring the umbrella shields me from the rain.
"But I don't have a home!"
"Then I'll bring you to mine, I can't have you get sick with nowhere to return to."
I was going to protest, but I kept my mouth shut when I saw a part of him being drenched under the rain. I pulled him by the sleeve and shyly spoke without looking at him.
"Stay under the umbrella."
We walked under his umbrella shoulder by shoulder in silence.
Am I really going to his house when we literally just met? I sighed. I have nothing to lose, after all, I have nowhere to return to. Nobody wants me. I stole a glance at him and wondered, why would he want to help me?
As if reading my mind, he answered,"You probably didn't notice my existence, but I have always watched you from afar."
What?
He continued,"We study in the same university, if you're wondering how I knew you."
Silence enveloped us once again. I wasn't one to talk, I have a disability in communicating due to my trauma. I have no friends, I never had anybody to talk to.
"I noticed the sorrowful look in your eyes and that was what caught my attention I guess. I've always wanted to help you, but I didn't know how. I could only observe from afar, hoping that one day I'll have the guts to talk to you and also have an idea on how to aid you."
We stopped at a car and he opened the passenger door for me. I hesitated because half of my body is covered with mud, but he insisted, leaving me no time to hesitate. I reluctantly stepped him and felt extremely bad. He got behind the wheels and drove off to his house, giving me time to absorb his words. It felt weird honestly, I had no clue on how to react. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to feel, I didn't know what I was feeling.
I was confused.
Depressed.
Exhausted.
Maybe a little glad? Glad of his company.
Soon, we came to a stop in the parking lot of an apartment. We got out and proceeded to his floor and entered his cozy little house. We didn't speak a word and I was glad, perhaps he noticed my discomfort and if he observed me since before like how he claimed he does, then he probably knew I have problems with communicating. He went into a room and came out with a T-shirt as well as a pair of sweat pants.
"Here, change into this. They are in the smallest size I can find. That's the bathroom." He said and pointed to a door at the end of the short hallway. "There's a white towel inside, it's a spare so feel free to use it."
"Thank you.." I replied softly and went ahead.
After washing myself up, I put on his light blue shirt and light grey sweatpants. Both obviously oversized, but it was better than wearing nothing at all, so I guess I'll have to bear with it. As I exited, I caught him changed into a set of dry attire.
"Hey.. Thank you again for letting me change into dry clothes. Sorry for getting you wet and I'm sorry for-"
"Shh.. Don't thank me and say sorry, I volunteered to help you. Come, let's watch a movie."
I bit the inside of my cheek and accepted his offer. I sat next to him, but maintained a fair distance between us. A comedy show was up on the screen and he laughed at every bit of it while I stared at his wall.
After a few moments, he broke the silence.
"Will you tell me why you said you didn't have a home? I know it's personal and we aren't exactly close yet, but I thought it will do you good to release all the pain in your heart." He said without moving his gaze from the big screen.
I thought for a moment and sighed,"I guess it's only fair that you know after your help."
I collected myself and thought about how to say it. "To put it simply, I was disowned by my parents. They abused me mentally ever since I was young and I have always looked down on myself. A hopeless child they would call me. As much as I want to say I'm used to the pain, I can't really get over it. It still hurts. Nobody can ever get used to pain. No matter how many times they say it, it stings. I never knew why they hated me so much, but I guess my existence itself was a mistake. At some point in my life, I lost all hope. I no longer wished for my parents' love. At every down point where I have nothing to hold on to.." I showed my wrist. "I release my pain by inflicting physical pain on myself."
He stared at my wrist for a while and traced each scar with his long fingers. I couldn't make out the expression on his face, but I could tell he wasn't happy about it. I shuddered under his touch, unfamiliar with any sign of affection. As if a switch flicked, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me tight. I was shocked of course, I was surprised. I became still, I was clueless of what to do or how to react. I didn't know why, but I was in tears. The warmth I'm feeling, it was comforting yet painful. It burns my heart, but I think it's time to get used to.
"Don't hurt yourself anymore." He said. "Whenever you lost all hope, hold on to me."
"I'll be your hope."
::
Lame, lmao. I know xD
Anyways, HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY, BANGTAN BOYS!
Much love from the ARMYs, congratulations for reaching this far! All of you seven talented young stars definitely still have a long way to go and I'm sure that you deserve more than what you have now!
~Jo
PUBLISHED: 13th June 2016
