After You

Four

He didn't say anything the whole way to the wall at the corner. When we got there, he didn't say anything either. He just stared at the graffiti-covered concrete.

"You've been really distant lately," I said. "You cut me off. You cut everyone off. Why?"

"I just... I don't know. I got so frustrated and lost. Everything I did just seemed to prove I wasn't good enough, you know? I'm okay at baseball, but nothing special. Being obsessed with superhero movies wasn't getting me anywhere. And I was the worst at being your friend. The only times you've ever gotten in trouble were because you did something I did first." He looks up. "So I gave it all up. I gave up baseball. Gave up Agent Green. Gave up... you. And started looking for things to make me feel good."

I could see where this was going. "Hanson..."

"I was a train wreck, Liv. You're such a decent person. And in the past few months we haven't been hanging out, you've... blossomed. You're confident. I was only hurting you. I couldn't bear knowing I wasn't good enough for you so I looked for people I was good enough for." He walked towards the wall and began tracing the letters written on it. I realized suddenly that they were names. Dozens and dozens of names, and among them, written in familiar messy script, Hanson Gaines.

"Did you... join a gang?" I was having a hard time deducing what all of this meant.

"Not really a gang... just some guys looking for some trouble and a good time. Adrenaline junkies, graffiti artists... some drug addicts, to tell you the truth. Not all of them were bad guys, but most of them were."

I couldn't believe it. "Hanson, did you-"

"Do anything stupid? Hell, yeah. Ridiculous stunts in abandoned buildings. Cocaine. Wrote my name on a wall of criminals. Anything I'm missing?"

"Cocaine?"

"Once. Well, twice."

"So you... stopped?"

"The cocaine? Yeah. The dumb stuff? Gee, I hope so. I think so."

"What happened that stopped you?"

He scuffed his shoe against the wall. "Almost died, that's what. Got off a high and realized all the guys were gone, left me there, and that I didn't belong with them any more than with you. We were on the roof of an old factory. I almost jumped off."

"You do belong with me, Hanson."

"I don't, Liv. I don't!" He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. "You'll follow me anywhere. Except where? Where's the line, Olivia? I don't really care anymore if I ruin my life, but what if I ruin yours?"

"I'm not that-"

"Not that dumb? Of course not. But you trust me way too much. I don't know what I'm doing! I'm going to get myself hurt or killed. Just do yourself a favor and be far enough away when it happens so I don't take you out too!" He collapsed against the wall with his face in his hands.

I stood watching him awkwardly. "What do you want me to do, Hanson?"

"The smart thing."

"I can't just cut you out of my life. We've been best friends since we could sit up."

"Just stop- stop trusting me. Stop following me. Stop believing I'll make the right choice." He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.

Seeing the bravest person I knew so broken down- well, something inside me snapped.

"No. You're not giving up, okay? I'm not letting you give up."

He opened one eye. "What?"

"We've got a year of high school left, Hanson. You gotta pull it out. You screwed up, you dug yourself a hole, but you'll get out of it."

He sighed and unfolded his legs. "I don't even know how to start getting out of it."

"You start by going back home and apologizing to your mother for making her worry her only child had gone off the deep end for the past six months. You find something you like and you dedicate yourself to it." I took his hand and pulled him to his feet. "And you let your best friend help you."

He didn't say anything.

"Okay?" I prodded. I started walking back towards our neighborhood, and turned to call back to him, "You coming?"

He smiled and fell into step beside me. "After you."