A Match Into Water (Fuenciado)

Chapter Eight

Fuck. What the hell was I supposed to say? More importantly, what the hell was I supposed to do?

Nothing. That's basically what Jaime had just told me. Try and get help, and he... My throat constricted at the very thought. No, I couldn't break down now. I had to stay strong, if only for Jaime's sake.

I knew I should say something, but my voice had vanished, leaving a gaping silence. It was painful, because it let his words sink in over and over again, each time like a fresh wound. A knife twisting in my gut. I thought it would be better when Jaime finally spoke and broke the silence, but he only muttered that he would just get out of the car and walk the rest of the way home from here.

Don't go, my mind screamed, but my numb body said nothing as it pulled the car over to the side of the road. I didn't look as Jaime slid out of the passenger seat, too nervous that I might catch his eye. It was only after the door slammed that I turned to watch his figure shuffling along the sidewalk towards his house. I barely took notice of the way that his jeans clung to him in the back, my brain filled with a panicked buzzing. I needed to calm down, I knew it. Things were no different today than they were yesterday. Today we made up. Today we made out. It was good.

But it wasn't, because now that I knew, it was my fault if something happened to him. My fault for not telling, not getting help. But wasn't this better than if he was... I couldn't even consider it.

I stared at the steering wheel in front of me. Where did I go? There really was no place left for me. And I was getting sick of going in circles. Jaime had disappeared around a turn in the road, and the small part of me that hoped that I might still have the courage to go after him gave up the fight. A lost cause, just like me. What was I even doing? Pulling over on some random curb, ruining the life of the only person I really cared about, and arguing with myself in my head. All I needed now was my straight-jacket, and I was golden.

My hand began to shake, and I clenched it into a fist. The car seemed to be shrinking around me, smothering me in its cheap cloth decor. I struggled to breathe, but my chest felt tight. I needed to get out of here. Now. Yet my body refused to move, rooted to the seat. The urge to escape was overwhelming, smothering me almost as much as my surroundings. My thoughts. The heaviness creeping about inside me, rattling my bones.

In a burst of energy, I pushed the door open, nearly falling to the ground in my haste to get out of the car. I steadied myself with the rearview mirror, though my legs were still jittery. I slammed the door, feeling relief for a second outside the confines of the car. I tried to take in a breath, but it didn't feel quite full. I couldn't stay here, standing still. My body itched to run, to move. I didn't think, just went. I could barely feel the burning of my muscles, could barely feel anything at all. Not that I wanted to.

I ran through the badly-mowed crabgrass field that was growing beside the road, only pausing when I came to the edge of a small forest. I glanced back only for a second, bouncing on the tips of my toes, to see the small silhouette of my car in the distance. It didn't take much thought to know that I didn't want to go back there. At least, not now. Maybe not ever. That was where reality was, and I just couldn't deal with that right now.

Before I'd even reached a conscious decision, I was running again. I only knew that I had to get away from the road, away from my car. And, as a little voice in my head reminded me, away from all thoughts of Jaime. That's what this was about, I knew it. How he'd just blown me off like that. Lied to me. Avoided me. Angry, that's what I was. I was fucking angry with Jaime, and I had every right to be.

Branches nipped at my face, but I didn't stop. I was so consumed in my rage, nothing else mattered.

Jaime just coming into my life and screwing everything up. How could he do that? Making me fall for him like that, and for what? To tell me how useless I was? To make me feel even more worthless than I already did? What kind of sick joke was this?