A Chase Is Not A Chase If you're Not Running

11.

Van came closer. "Babe?"
I didn't know what to say. What was I meant to say? I couldn't tell him the truth.
I didn't say anything. I made things 10x as worse by not saying anything to him, but what else was I suppose to do.
Bob was giving me eye contact through the upper mirror. I knew he wanted a chat once we got back. Bob and benji both knew, when Billy was around, that something was up. They had never met him before. Well at least they didn't meet him when I was around. I don't think so anyway. They would always comfort me when I got upset about anything. That was another thing he hated. Me talking to the boys. Especially benji.
Me and benji had always been close. He's been there for me when my family wernt ya know?
I struggled as a kid. But that don't matter anymore. It's just me and my thoughts now, and what I though was a problem free life now, might soon change. I had forgotten that Billy's back. Just that one single thought crushed my insides and made me turn with fear. Every bone in my body ached when his name was E
Ben mentioned. Billy bibby.

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I woke up to van cuddling me. I had forgotten everything that happened earlier over a long 2 hour nap, so i went back to how things normally were.
"Van" I said, looking up at him hazily.
"Babe"
"Love you"
"Hate you" he said jokingly. I punched his knee and we started laughing. "Nah just kidding lass, I bet I love you more"
"Trust me, you don't."
Things were going so much better until van had to bring up earlier, the incident. I had Billy in my mind and it just sort of happened. I know van would never hurt me. He's nothing like Billy and I shouldn't have reacted like that. "Sorry, I get like that sometimes" I said, truthfully, but not with to much detail.
" has something happened?"
That question hit me. Yes, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes oh van please hold me. "No"
He gives me a look. It's different, it's not exactly concern but there's some of that in there, it's more suspicious. Like he knows I'm lying. I mean it's obvious isn't it.
I used to be good at lying. Never shared my feeling with anyone, still don't but it's just more obvious now when somethings up. I just let things get the better of me and I hate that but I can't not.
"Love you can tell me" van said, reaching for hand and pecking me one on the cheek. Van was so different to Billy. He was sweet, gentle.
"Honestly, there's nothing wrong, rough child hood and um well sometimes I get thoughts, Bob knows about it." I stare at Bon through the mirror with a face, making eye contact and showing him I want him to go along with it. He nodded. Thank god.
"Oh"
I didn't expect van to say much anyway. It's a hard take in. Rough childhood. I mean how the hell are you suppose to respond to someone who's just said that to you.
I didn't lie. Fully lie. I had an awful childhood but I've put that out my mind now. I don't get thought about that anymore. I didn't want to talk about Billy though. Expecially because of the time when he was around, Bob had no idea who he was. I never told anyone other than Mary that I was with him. It would crush him to know that he could have done something but he didn't.

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When we got back, I was half asleep so van carried me upstairs. I didn't feel like getting changed and getting ready. I knew I had to though. I just wanted to lay in bed and forget about what just happened. Not the actual date. That was beautiful, vans beautiful.
When we got upstairs van sat me down on my bed and said he was gonna go grab a quick shower and while he's in there I can get ready. I love how he respects my privacy as well. He's a right charmer.
"Okay" I grin back at him, still half asleep.
He went out the room and into the bathroom and I started to changed into my stone roses top and some knee socks. Hoping van would sin the am song again like the first night.  I took off all my makeup. I looked like a right mess when I saw myself in the mirror. All that crying I suppose. This was my first proper date with van, and he had to see me like this. I feel so bad. He's not gonna stay with me. I know he won't. He'll stay tonight and leave another saying he's gone for band practise and then I'll never see him again. I guarantee that's what will happen.
He comes back into the room in a towel and my shower cap holding Mary's rubber duck and I burst out laughing, almost crying. It was fucking hysterical.
"So what do ya think; new look?" He said almost passing out with laughter.
I throw a pillow at him and he he falls onto the bed.
We crease for ages until van finally says "lass I ain't got nothing to wear"
I turned face him and said "oh but van you don't need to wear anything!" I wiggled my eyebrows and he cracked up.
"Well then babe" he rips off the towel and jumps into the bed. I throw another pillow at him, fighting the tears of laughter away.
"Nah put something on mate before nick all your fags" I say to him, grabbing his 10 pack. He immediately jumps up.
"You wouldn't."
"Oh boy would I"
He runs after me as I bolt it downstairs into the kitchen. I grab a cig out the packed and light it. Mary hates when I smoke inside but fuck it she ain't here. Vans face was a picture I swear. We ran around the dining table about 12 times before I ran back upstairs to the bedroom and crashed out on the bed. I was honestly so tired I could sleep for hours.
I threw the pack back at him and I jumped into bed. Pulling the crisp white duvet over me.  Van just stood there looking at me
"You coming in then?"