Larry Hogan and The Spooky Snow

Larry Hogan was sitting inside his study reading a comic book intently when his wife, Yumi, burst through the door, a look of horror on her face.

"Larry," She started, her voice barely a whisper.

"What is it, dear?" He asked, uninterested. It was always something with this woman. Furious at her husband's lack of reaction, Yumi growled and stomped over to the window of the study, breaking a heel in the process. She tore the curtains open and turned back with a wicked glare on her face. Larry hissed at the brightness of the light shining through but once he managed to regain his eyesight, he too had a look of horror on his face.

"It's begun." Yumi's voice filled Larry's mind as he slammed his fist on his desk, a red button raising up from god knows where. He slammed it and then made his way out of the study, shoving Yumi aside so he could get out first.

Once the button was hit, all the grass in Larry's front yard separated into rectangles and descended into the ground forming large ditches almost two feet deep. Smoke emitted from his home as all ten of his heaters turned on, coating his home in a warm wave ready to melt the evil specs of cold. His 20-spot garage opened up to reveal not only his trust pickup truck and fancy cow pen, but to the left of those 15 plows and three hummers ready for action! Larry smiled as he saw them glistening through his window and turned around to see his PR department ready to make a statement.

"Sir, you must address the people now before it's too late!" His secretary cried as she handed him a speech to go off of.

"A speech? People don't want to hear speeches! They want to hear their governor speaking from the heart to prepare them for this tough time!" Larry cried as he sat down at his desk so no one would see he had no pants on. His staff were used to it, but that didn't mean the people of Maryland had to be. His secretary just rolled her eyes and grumbled "stupid paranoid lard" as the camera began to roll.

"My fellow Marylanders," he began, adjusting the mic as it could hear every breath he took. "It is I, the man Larry Hogan. Not Hulk for crying out loud-" His secretary coughed to notify him that people already stopped giving a shit. He glanced over at her then continued. "If you have a window, look out of it. Do you see what I see? That's right, the snow has reached us," He winced as he looked outside and saw how fast it was coming down. It picked up quite the pace since about five minutes ago (it was maybe like 5 centimeters? But who the fucks counting this is serious) but he didn't have time to sit and cry on live television. "I am declaring that we are under a State of Emergency as of now and urge all Marylanders to go out and get all the," He had to pause before he said the next few words, silently praying for all the stores across the state.

"Get all the bread and milk. Stay safe, Maryland. May god stay with you all through this difficult time."

Stores were flooded within the hour. Soccer moms were fighting over plastic sleds, a walmart employee wanting to commit suicide jumped in the mob of white people fighting for the good wine, shelves were breaking, refrigerator aisles' doors were being ripped off. It was madness! Stores even ran out of potatoes. Who the hell thinks of potatoes when planning to never leave their house again? Bread and Milk sections were cleared in almost every store except for pharmacy's but their shit is always rotten so who would buy necessary food from there? Have fun with your chunky milk procrastinating peasants.

But you know who didn't have to worry about bread and milk?

Larry Hogan.

That hairless Santa Claus lookin' ass had rooms in his basement full of milk, bread, eggs, and those iced sugar cookies that taste like crap but everyone loves them??????He'd been preparing for months unlike the Marylanders who were too naive to believe his state of emergency so he just sat in his bread room and sat in awe at how much he had. Yummy-er, Yumi did a good job keeping it stocked and now all he could do was wait. (In case you needed audio for how Maryland people were acting during the shopping fiasco:

A day or two passed and the snow kept falling. People first laughed at the five inches but once it hit around two feet, everyone shit their pants just like Larry Hogan. There were no roads. There were no sidewalks. No escape, no place to go. No power in some parts, but good ol' Larry had a field of generators so you know his ass was warm n' toasty 24/7. He never really looked outside and lost track of time, but once he did he looked almost as scared as the bunnies on his slippers. The snow had surpassed the ditches in his yard and was slowly piling towards his house. His heat bubble type magic shit couldn't keep it down as it started to swallow his house. The cows in his garage kicked a button and closed it god knows how long ago. His staff were hiding away in their quarters under the ground and all Larry could think was,

"It's just me and this darn spooky snow."

BUT NOT FOR LONG.

Larry hopped over his desk and ripped the top of his hamburger phone off it's dock, punching in numbers faster than - (insert some dirty analogy here), tapping his feet to the waiting music till someone finally answered.

"Hell-"

"Call in the big guns." That was all he had to say before minutes later, he heard the sounds of helicopter propellers and hummers roaring to life. The helicopters somehow had enough strength to bring this sorry ass loads of plows ready to do their job and loads of National Guardsmen to help keep the people of Maryland safe. At least that's what they thought they were doing.

"Sir! Where should we all disperse to?" One of the guards asked as rows of them lined up in his yard.

"Disperse?" Larry asked from his front porch he could barely stand on because of all the FUC- fricking snow in his way.

"Yes, sir! We were told to help all the Marylanders get where they need to go in case of emergency."

"What kind of bullshit is that? I called you in to help me and save me from this mess. My staff and wife are all inside scared shitless of this catastrophe and I want them safe and sound before the rest of the people!"

(Truly his staff and wife were in the basement playing Pictionary but they didn't want Larry to know because his polar bear ass would tear everyone up if they guessed wrong on his drawing. "IT'S A GIRAFFE, YUMI. NOT DINNER.")

The guardsmen all looked at each other with concern but had to listen to the crazy old man's orders out of fear that if they didn't, his mutant cow army would trample them. (He has one, trust me.). The hundreds of guards spread out along the -large amount- of farmland, cringing as the snow hit them in the face. It was only a matter of time before some of them were too consumed by snow, much like Larry's rose garden. Those poor plants never had the chance. Larry had used his last resort to jump in the snow and flatten it but that failed and he had to be dug out. He walked back in his home wet from the cold devil specs and cried in his rocket-ship bed he slept in when his wife was tired of his shit. Time passed and the snow had finally ceased, but that wasn't the spec-y problem Larry truly had. His dirty ass was covered in breadcrumbs miles high because all he did was eat bread like the rest of Maryland, slowly growing fatter because WHAT DO YOU HONESTLY DO DURING A BLIZZARD? EAT BREAD? HELL NAH YOU BAKE LIKE YOUR GRANDMA TAUGHT YOU GET FAT ON THE GOOD SHIT NOT WHITE BREAD THAT TASTES LIKE A SECOND GRADER'S LUNCH FROM THE 1970'S. (Larry Hogan during this time portrayed by some comedian guy:

anyway im kinda done and this is getting long so to sum it up:

Larry hogan hogged the plows and national guard to himself because like 4 days passed before I actually saw a plow people were digging stuff out like real men do

the plows failed and we resorted to tractors

I worry about Larry I wonder how he's doing and how he would actually be at pictionary

his wife's name is Yumi at first i pronounced it Yummy and almost wrote a NSFW scene between her and a national guard

"i bet ur yummy just like your name"

please print this and tape it to my grave

~FIN~