Pens of Fate

Leena Thinks

"End of exams!" Jasir runs into the living room and throws a victorious fist punch into the air. Inaya follows, unceremoniously dumps her books into the scrap paper bin, and rushes to her room for unlimited laptop time.

"Leena, give me the laptop," Inaya says as soon as she enters the room.

"It's there, it's fully charged and it's all yours," I say from my position in the reading chair.

"Leena, you're a lifesaver," she says, grabbing the laptop and falling onto the bed. There's a snapping sound as the charger plug is yanked from the socket and it flies onto the bed. Inaya pauses for a moment, her eyes widen and her mouth falls open, then she collects herself and the charger and opens the laptop. She knows I will not make a fuss about pulling chargers today. It is, after all, her day of freedom from exams. The world is hers for the taking.

"What's this wallpaper you've put up, Leena?" Inaya stops in the middle of clicking open her Facebook account.

"It's a Ramadan wallpaper," I say.

"Oh." Inaya sits up and clasps her hands, her face shining. "This year Ramadan is going to be so much fun! We're going to do all we did last year, and more."

"Hmm." I don't look up from my book. It's not in me to admit that I am not "feeling it" this year. Who says that to someone who looks up to you and follows your example? And besides--aren't you supposed to do it even if you don't "feel it"?

"Hey, you pushed me and gave me a boost last year," Inaya says. "This year we're going to carry each other forward together. That's what sisters are for."

I smile. "What makes you think I need carrying?"

"Well, for starters, you're holding that book upside down..."

I check. Oops. She's right.

"I was looking at an illustration in the book," I say quickly.

Inaya smiles widely. "If you say so." She returns to clicking away on the laptop.

I keep staring down at the same page in the book. Finally, I close it and put it to one side. I go and stand in front of my bookshelf, looking at all the spines of the books, standing tall. I run my fingers across a row, almost pick out a book, then stop and choose another instead. I leave the room with the book in my hand, leave it somewhere along the way to the kitchen, and join Mama in kitchen duty.

The problem with chopping up food is that it requires no heavy mental calculations. You can peel a hundred potatoes while thinking a million other thoughts. I float through the day in a haze. When I can finally put my head on the pillow and sleep, the thoughts still won't go away. The night passes restlessly. To top it all off, I'm late for fajr prayer. Sitting on the prayer mat, watching the sun rise, a tear slides down my cheek. I wipe it away.

"This has to stop," I say to myself. I make my way to the living room, where it is quiet and peaceful, as the others are in their own rooms, either praying or sleeping. My gaze falls on the book I dropped there the day before. I reach out and pick it up. The cover says two words that cut through the fog in my brain like a ray of pure light.

"Born Again"...