Take me to the happy place

Chapter 38

I let the bitter yet strangely nice champagne bubble over my toungue and between my teeth, the bubbles crackling in my ears. Even when I was young I loved the champagne at midnight, wanting to sip it seconds before, but this wrenching in my heart made me wait until that clock slid to midnight, calling for a new year.

We've had enough give us a new one.

Jack is now sitting next to me, on my side, against the bed, he leans back. We've put back on our music, as the radio began to play some of its usual rubbish, well in our opinion.

He sighs and tilts his head back looking at the ceiling, and my eyes quickly dart to his lips, as if they shouldn't, but want to anyway. I turn away and sip some more of my champagne. It was only on the cheek. Well my cheeks still tingling. I look to him, and there's something in his eyes, which I'm not used to.

"You okay?" I question and my heart feels as though it's tiptoeing across a tight rope in rollerskates. I just want to preserve this warm glow inside of me, defying the flames that always go out, that always leave that dingey, ashy, choking mess. His eyes slide over to me.

"Yeah," he says quietly and I leans back into the bed, and look at him, so we're at the exact same level.

"New year ay?" I say softly. I'm glad, as if I'm hopeful for this year, like this year will be a reconstruction, of all he destruction that took place last year. I'm hopeful that will be the end of it, it's crazy I know that from the second at the end of 11.59 and 12.00 that everything could be different, that it could be called a new year. But maybe it's a mental thing, after all time is a mental measurement, so maybe if I think reconstruction, I can build myself back up again.

He lets out a deeper sigh, and shakes his head slightly, as he strums his head to look back at the ceiling, I frown. Please. It's bad- please.

"I don't know what this years gonna be," he gulps, a fear driving his eyes. I think of Lisa, Joan, Martina, Reece, Ford. In a heated, drunken blaze at the New Years party. I think of Jenna, in a dark space, unknown, crying, tearing herself up.

"Well, what do you mean?"

"Well I think I've set myself up,"

"Up for what?"

He sighs and sits up, so I'm left lonely leaning back against the bed, he runs his finger over the rim of his champagne glass, his head hanging slightly lower. I frown and sit up with him, I nudge him.

"Look, don't let them get to you Caj," I say, unsure of how to heal this. Because. Nope.

There's an unsure silence, I twist up trying to think of words. Nothing.

"They all hate me, everyone hates me," he sighs, and I gulp as a strange courage reads up inside of me.

"Not me," I try and laugh off, with a weak smile. He lets out a sigh and escapes the grip of my shoulder as he leans back on his bed. Shit. He completely ignored that, completely didn't care. Okay. I stay sat up, and bite through my lip. "I'm just going to the toilet," I say quickly and don't look at him as I walk out of the room, my breaths all clipped together, and my chest all tight as I walk inside the bathroom, locking the door. If only I wasn't on such unsteady grounds, I could have taken that, sorted it out. But there's too many cracks.

But this is me ants to be reconstruction.

After some deep breaths, I flush the chain and wash my hands feigning a usual bathroom trip. I then unlock the door and step outside, when I jump as Jack is stood outside.

"Buenny, I'm sorry," he says, his eyes pleading. I gulp and force a bewildered smile.

"What for?"

"Look, your right, they can hate me all they want. At least I have you," he says nearing me, and he gently grabs my hands, and walks closer, he puts his forehead against mine. I don't even know what to feel, apart from the racing of my heart and the tightening of my thirst. Because I can't. His eyes stare deep into me, and it's scary, but safe. Scary because it determined, it's goat an aim, rather than this unconscious chemistry, it's awake now.

He slides his fingers into mine as he gives my hands a small squeeze, and his eyes draw onto my lips, like a cat as it crouches low and watches it's prey. Eyes widening, tail hanging low before, it pounces.

He brings his lips forward, and my heart jolts and I speedily turn my head and feel his lips clash onto my cheeks. I gulp, and flinch at what I've done. This is why I'm a bitch. I should kill myself, he forced himself to kiss me and I fucking reject him. My chest swallows itself in tiny pieces.

I feel him pause, and let out a breathe.

"I'm sorry!" We both say at the same time, and I turn back to him, and he's pulling the same face as I. I blink. It's not his fault. Ah shit. We both laugh, lightly.

"Yeah. Sorry. I just- yeah sorry too soon," he says, and I'm not sure what to say, how do I respond, a rare time am I lost for words with Jack.

He was only doing it because he has to.

"Buenny, are you okay?" Jack questions, he must notice something off in me, I look up to him. The boy whose utterly perfect. The boys whose blue eyes release a cage of birds, of butterflies, Angels and all winged things into my chest. Whose brown hair glimmers in the sun, it's darkness against the lightness behind his face, his words sends me crazy. Whose laugh I could listen to on repeat. Whose smile I could hang up on my wall. But the boy whose doing it, because he has to. It's all cliche, cliche for calling it cliche, and that's what makes it unreal, confirms my belief, this boy wanting me. It's all something in my mind, don't believe that he's staring at you in passion, he's probably just looking at you. "I'm really sorry,"

I gulp, why does he keep apologising.

Why is everyone trying to kiss me lately? Your showing off. It's only two people and only because they have to. They have nobody. Same with Ronan. Your just the safe option.

"It's okay," I smile, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I just got confused," I defend, but confusion is too plain, it was a squiggly mess of confusion, fear, and the feeling of obligation, on his part. As almost as if I could feel it myself.

"No, it's alright, you don't have to kiss me, it was silly to presume you just wanted to. I'm really sorry. Sometimes I just think everyone's revolving around me,"

"That's only natural, when you are seeing everything from your eyes, the universe is revolving around us. They say there's only one universe," I say and don't even know the words are just so excited to come out of my mouth, "but there are billions possibly more, in each of us there's a whole new universe. Your universe, mine their all alternate, their from different eyes, different hands, legs, breaths, thoughts everything we perceive is entirely different, is that not an alternate universe. One that depends on our existence, well that revolves around us?" I blurt out, my chest easing as I speak and he watches in fascination, and a smile spreads across his face, he places his hand on my shoulder wrapping his arms tightly around me and pulling me against his chest, he wraps and arm around my head and I giggle into his chest as he kisses my head.

"Can I write that down somewhere one day? Carve into stone on the highest mountain, on the moon and all the star? Because Buenny, I'll tell you my universe right now," he says and pulls me back, as I grin, in his view and places his hand on my shoulders wandering in fascination through my eyes. I prepare my heart for what I feel is going to kill me in the most wonderful way "it's beautiful, It's uncomprehendingly beautiful, fascinating, refreshing, new. Because right now Buenny he says," and I giggle in his hands that hold my shoulders, he can't help but laugh too with me, "I'm looking at you,"

Tingles crawls along me, as the giggles fade and I look up at him with a smile. "Here it is then, what I've been waiting for," I breathe out, he frowns in confusion.

"What?" He questions, and I smile.

"You don't need to know," I grin and let myself wrap around him in a warm hug.