Take me to the happy place

Chapter 37

So its the first Christmas. Last Christmas I had a family, two best friends, a smile. So this is this is the first Christmas. With none of those things, one which o never dreamed of. Where I'm not going to sleep, on a stomach spilling with  butterflies for the joy of tomorrow, waking up with a smile at the smell of Turkey roasting. Where Dad, isn't munching down a million mince pies, to my mothers distaste.

Sue tried to get my mum to come. Let's not even discuss how that went down. I let the fork torment the neglected, betrayed Turkey, lying in the, now, cold gravy. Sue is nattering onto her friend Ant, who sits sheepishly at the table with his dirty green coat which he refuses to remove. I didn't know him before, but apparently he's called Antonio, abbreviated to Ant. He's got out of a divorce, with a woman who, used him as a beard, and run off with one of his students, called Coletta, because he teaches piano. So Sue and my uncle, Rob, take it upon themselves to comfort him, at this festive time of the year. It's like their running a charity here.

The divorced, lonely piano teacher, and the suicidal girl who lost her family. Okay mine sounds a lot worse, guess I always win at the freak game. Derek sits back fondling with the childish, green cracker crown stretched over his bald head. He carelessly lays back in his fond chair, that seems worn at the cushion.

"All I want for Christmas is youuu..."

The tinny radio, laughs out corny Christmas songs on repeat, what's did I expect eh? A lifeless Christmas for a lifeless fuck.

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Wiry, automatic blah blah blah. It's like the hours just fear for me, watch as I waste time. I watch the envelope Sue gave me last week, on Christmas, £300 every month and a half, yep. Didn't mention that did I? How I pay for my food, mum still pays our bills, how? I don't know, probably the money dad left for us. But back to the point I didn't mention that Sue gives me £300 every month and a half. Because guess what good old Alena doesn't do, appreciate kind people who she doesn't deserve. Instead she feels sorry for herself, when it's all her fault. Everything she lost comes down to her. I'm rubbish.

I get up, ready to go out, go to the wheat fields or something. But then I'll have to go outside, with those lovely, perfect lives flying colours around the cold air, it's not that great anyway, and it doesn't want me there. I feel a sick feeling of repulse at the idea of facing the world, like a sick disgust, not at it, but rather me in it. Gross. So I sit back down, hating that I'm doing nothing, but hating the idea of doing anything.

Yuck yuck yuck yuck. Disgusting Alena.

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Martina texts me, well my phone vibrated, I'm betting on it being her, oh god, am I on beer duty again? That was horrible enough last time, like I was some inconsiderate, complete idiot, with a stupid, limp bag of beer. That wasn't the best day, as Joan radicalised all the girls against Jack and Jenna. As they all fussed over poor little Lisa, with her cheeks soaking up rivers of mascara. When I got home, it was like it had just been shooting at my brain, it just made it worse, watching all this madness play out.

Martina: New Years tomo and party at Gideons kid in year 12 evryone goin I'll pick u up at 7.

I immediately let out a groan as I collapse back into my bed, and I can't. Really, how can I keep, pulling this continuously braking vase to parties, and holidays when I really can't do this anymore. I watch the spindly hands of the happy man, and I sigh with dead eyes watching. I'm mental.

I pull my heavy body up, and open my wardrobe. What to wear, what to wear. This is insane, positively insane. A heavily depressed, suicidal girl going to some New Years party, with a bunch of careless youths drinking, kissing, dancing. Well, when was I promised something that 'made sense'. The world doesn't make sense.