It's A Gay Thing

19//

19 // Dani

I still dream about the assault. I have every night since it's happened. The dreams are flashbacks, a repeat of the images. The rocks being thrown. The punches. Laying on the ground. The blood splattered all along the sidewalk.

I try to avoid that area now. There are other train stations in the city. But they're inconvenient – the major one is the location of the battery.

Waking up in the middle of the night with a complete panic attack is distressing. I'm scared to sleep and that's if I even knock out. Sometimes, I just lay in bed and rethink, retrace, relive the entire experience. And I ask myself the same question – what if Pris were there? I know I couldn't have defended her. I also know she wouldn't have been able to easily defend herself. What if the rock to the head had been someone other than Lisa? I just can't keep thinking about this. But I can't stop thinking about this.

This another one of those nights. It's 2:37am. Everyone is asleep. This dark, silent apartment doesn't distract me from my invasive thoughts. I want to call Pris. But I can't stand for her to not see me strong. I've always been the strong one, the unemotional one, the cold one. I want her to be think that I can handle myself, not that I cry myself to sleep every night. Especially when I wasn't the most injured out of this. Toni and Alex suffered more, not to mention Blue and of course Lisa. I feel like I got off easy. I should have gotten back up quicker. I should have stood my ground more. I should have tried harder to fight these pricks off.

I need to get out of my room. I throw on some clothes, grab my necessities and leave. I walk. Walking at night doesn't make me feel safe but it makes me feel strong. That even after what happened, I'm not scared to move on, to own these streets. But I am scared. Every look from an unknown young adult boy is a reminder that this could be one of the strangers that have hurt me and my loved ones. And could hurt me again.

I call Cindy. She picks up considerably fast.

"Hey, what's up?" She asks, visibly concerned.

"Hey, could I swing by?"

"Of course," she answered. I hear some shuffling. "Yeah, you're gonna have to leave."

"I don't have to come..." I start saying.

"No, come over." She interrupts me.

I fight my profound desire to go back home and actually head towards the school. She has a single on campus. It's been useful for her nightly hookups but also for the general tranquility. Cindy has a lot of attitude; I don't think she would pair up with a roommate easily.

In about ten minutes, I'm at her dorm. I knock. She opens up pretty quickly.

"What's up?" She asks me.

"It's one of those nights."

"Get in here."

I walk in. The lights are dim. I see a thin stream of smoke while the window is wide open. She's been smoking weed. I sit on her bed. She sits at the desk and takes a hit. She hands it to me and I do the same. A couple of bowls later, we're both laying on her floor, staring at the ceiling.

She turns her head to and leans in, "Why did you come Dani?"

"I needed a friend."

"You've got friends."

"Yeah and you're one of them."

She laughs, "Fine smartass. What's up?"

"You know about the fight?"

"Yes but not thanks to your ass. Alex told me."

"Oh," I answer back, knowing she's about to rant.