It's A Gay Thing

22 //

22 // Pris

The weeks have flown by quickly, as the weather got colder and muddier. I have been stressed out by college applications. They want to know my life, but only parts of my life, but I feel like I don't know which parts they are looking for. Being interviewed to determine whether you deserve higher education seems unfair.

I did most of my applications alone. I don't want to complain – because some of my classmates are first generation into college and their parents cannot help them – but my mom has been too busy with her last case to help me, even though she has full capacities to do so. Neil is also no help since he barely applied himself to get to a state school. That leaves my only college friends, Dani's crew. I can tell that they are starting to burn out. Finals are around the corner, so they are not preoccupied by anything else.

As if the stress and dread around my future isn't enough, I'm looking after Dani 24/7. She never went to counseling services. She's continued skipping classes. She's been smoking and drinking more, even during weekdays. She's been hanging out with Cindy a lot more, which I'm not thrilled about. I see this behavior and so do Alex, Tony and Blue. But we haven't said much to each other about it since the last explosive argument a few weeks back. But I know they are worried. I see the way Alex stares at Dani, as she opens a can of beer while I'm sitting next to her on the couch. Or the way Tony always seems curious as to where Dani is going next. Or the way Blue tries to hide some of the booze to the back of the fridge in order to make it less tempting.

I feel lost. I don't know how to confront this. We've been talking less and when we do talk, it's Dani flirting with me to see when we can have sex. And sex doesn't even feel the same anymore. Instead of getting my mind off everything, I can smell the weed in her room from the uncleaned bong on her nightstand and it reminds me of all the unsaid.

So, I've been going over to her place less. When she texts, I answer her a little later than usual. I thought she'd call me out on it. I thought she would dial my number and try to talk to me. Instead, my late replies seem normal to her, when it should be seen as out of character. I want her to bring up the issues. I want her to confide in me that she is struggling and needs help. Despite my signals, she continues to downfall.

The only thing that makes Dani smile at this point is her dog. He's keeping her somewhat responsible. I can tell that she still walks him, feeds him, plays with him. Overall, she hasn't neglected him, so somewhere in her, the old Dani is still there. I just need more of it. More of the Dani I fell in love with.

We're all going out for dinner. It was Tony's birthday earlier in the week and he's treating us for dinner. Coincidentally, he received a raise that month and is in a truly celebratory mood.

I finish applying deep red lipstick onto my lips and stare back at my reflection. The only perk to this pale skin is how this color pops on me. Besides that, I stop for a minute to really look at myself. One of those moments where you don't recognize yourself, physically and mentally. Sure, I've grown way more confident in my own skin since dating Dani but psychologically, I've lost my enthusiasm for life. The anxiety linked to dating was dreadful, yes, but it made me feel like something mattered to me. You're not scared of something you don't care about. I remember how in October, I would have never bought the makeup I use now, or would have been so nervous to be around these college students still. I'd be worried about their opinions about me and how I could be the center of attention, in a way, to impress them and feel worthy of the friendship I share with them. But I've lost that. Dani and college has drained all the bits of energy I had to feel emotions or so it seems.

With a slight sigh, I make my way downstairs. Dani is supposed to pick me up but the doorbell has not rung yet. Neil is creepily standing around the living room doorway, watching me go down the staircase.