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I love you just a little too much
~Lana Del Rey
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His name was Grant Clark and he was absolutely, one-hundred percent, gorgeous. His personality on the other hand, that's a horse of a different color. It's kinda funny how someone can be so... so perfect on the outside yet so disgusting on the inside and vice versa. He never really cared about me. To him I was simply arm candy. If our relationship meant anything to him, he wouldn't have cheated on me time after time breaking my heart... no, shattering my heart. I was just a charity case, a broken and lost soul, a lost puppy if you will. I say that because when he and I got together, my parents were going through a divorce and it sure wasn't a clean break. They fought (fight) Like cats and dogs. Also, we had just found out that my brother, Eric, was being deployed to Afghanistan in two months time. I know it seems as if I would have plenty of time to spend with him before he left, but between the custody battle, school, and him preparing for the "big day", I had about a quarter of that time.
I had to work on balancing my life. It was as if I had three glasses of water, one in my left hand, one in my right hand, and one on my head. I had to be sure not a single drop of water was spilt. Grant thought that if he were the one to console me that he would be praised by all of eleventh grade. You know, cause I was the poor little rich girl. Irony is great in that sense. It is kind of beautiful. I may not be poor in terms of currency but I'm poor in the fact that I choose not to feel. In the same sense, I'm poor in my mind, heart, and soul.
I regret opening up to him. I was so stupid for thinking he cared. Once I realized he never really cared, that's when the glasses started spilling.
There was only one way I knew how to "cope" with all of this pressure. I self harmed. My goal was to match how I looked on the outside with how I felt on the inside. Part of me wonders if I was attention seeking. I didn't know why at the time all I knew was that I felt horrible for so many reasons.
I'm here to tell you the truth. I'm going to tell you about me and what I felt. I was nervous about what people thought about me. That's one of my biggest flaws. I feared that I may never find love and that I would let everyone around me down. I would seek love prematurely and would put arms up if the littlest thing happened that may lead to confrontation between someone else and I.
I guess you could call me a people pleaser. I would sever my soul from my body and engulf it in all these horrible thoughts, horrible thoughts about me. "You're fat." "You're ugly." "You're never going to be good enough." "You're never going to be loved." I was constantly catastrophizing, Constantly putting myself in a position of self hate, Constantly tearing myself down, knowing that it'll be an uphill battle to build myself up again. That was such a bad habit of mine. It was a habit that I couldn't get my hands around. I was depressed. I was hurt. I was damaged. Those were just more of my flaws, more reasons as to why I'm not good enough.
A couple months passed and I had gotten better. Not perfect, but better. I had met someone new. Alistair Tabb. The most amazing guy I had ever met and I had fallen head over heals for him. We would text almost everyday. He knew so much about me. He on the other hand, was a puzzle and I was determined to put it together. I had taken the pieces out of the box and put a few together. Then I came across a technical difficulty. But this was no ordinary technical difficulty. No, this one had too many talents to count, was gorgeous, was popular , and appeared to be a saint. Her name was Juliet Pyle and I had known her since kindergarten.
It's a funny story actually. The real plot twist is that she and I used to be the best of friends. You would never hear my name without hers and you would never hear hers without mine being attached. We were essentially tied. Then she met a girl named Miranda Ryans in the sixth grade. She ditched me for popularity. She got what she wanted though. She's the epitome of popularity now. She isn't who she pretends to be. It is a mask, a pseudonym. I know her better than anyone. She plays this carefree sweetheart, but that's not who she is at all. I have to give it to her for possibly being the best actress in tenth grade. I was the only one to see through it. Whether I liked it or not I was officially jealous of Juliet.
She was able to get any guy she wanted and of course she goes after the guy I'm crazy about. The worst part of all, He was crazy about her.
