"Wow, okay." That's what I thought when my ex, Megan, walked up to me and said, "God Grant! You're such a tool!" Well excuse me but I guess I didn't realize that living my life made me a tool. What happened between us wasn't my fault. I was just trying to be nice. I do love her but I mean I didn't get into the relationship for the right reasons, You know? How am I supposed to tell her that, huh? Should I just walk up to her and be like, " Oh yeah, by the way, I only started dating you because I felt bad for you and I figured it would make me look good. But believe me I do love you. Ignore the fact that I lied to you and used you and fall back into my arms..." Yeah, so, I'm not going to do that.
I don't understand why people think I'm so self absorbed and big headed. Sure, I didn't date that Megan chick for the "right reasons" but after I got to know her, I had learned to care for her. I never felt this way with anyone before. And trust me, I have been with plenty of people. Megan, she was different. I hate the fact that I hurt the people I love. Anytime I get close to someone I spaz and push them away.
My shrink says it's because of what happened with my dad. It all started when my mom died. I was eight and my old man and I had been pretty close, but it was my mom who kept us tight. When she died, everything she did just broke down. My dad drank his problems away. He would get so wasted he couldn't even remember his own name. I can remember one specific time when he got so drunk that he came home and pinned me up against the wall. His eyes were filled with so much anger and it was as if I could see the hate in the real world. He was hurting inside. Since he was hurting, I considered that his excuse for being a jerk. I just let it keep happening. I still have a white scar above my eye from when he hit me and I fell into the coffee table.
The night I got that scar was the night DCFS came and picked me up. They saw that I had a busted lip, broken nose, and a bloody forehead. My dad never got to say "Sorry" or "Goodbye". Although I bet he wouldn't have. He probably doesn't even remember me.
I guess maybe that's why I push people away.
So what if my love for her started off as fake. It became real and what I want for her is to be happy. I see the way she looks at Alistar. He'd be lucky to get a girl like her. I love her, but she definitely doesn't love me and I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
All of the guys make fun of me for dating her. I guess that's another reason why i dumped her. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't popular. Life would be so much easier. Plus, the only reason I'm popular is because, well, my good looks. Oh and because of my adopted parents. They're kind of loaded so, yeah, you get the point. It's always interesting to know who my real friends are cause, let's see, Juliet isn't, Ryan isn't, Marcus isn't. Want me to go on? I'm sure you get the point.
Alistair is a great guy. Megan and him should go for it. I just hope they reach each other in time before one get into a relationship and leaves the other in the cold.
