My heart feels like it's been ripped out of my body. I've been lying here for two days asking myself why... Why him? Why now? Why ever? I can't help but feel... dead, inside and out. I feel numb and lost, I feel disembodied. It's a sense of surrealism. Was it my fault? I knew he was mad that night. I knew he had feelings for her, I KNEW. Yet I was selfish and now he's dead. It just seems like a dream. I hope it is a dream. More like a nightmare. I am trying to pull myself out of this and face the facts, but something inside of me aches. Everytime I take a breathe I am in excruciating amounts of pain, perhaps I not only have a broken heart but also broken ribs. Why did Alistair die so soon. Every second that he goes with out taking a breathe, the pain triples. I miss him. Looking back on everything my biggest regret is not not telling him how I felt. Feel. Every encounter that we had ever had together, every spark-filled moment of contact, just keeps replaying in my mind as if my brain is set on self destruct. Over, and over, and over again., as if it is a broken record. I'm lost without him, and I'm left broken because of him. What do you expect me to do? Just sit here and pretend that everything is alright? Well guess what, it isn't. I'm done.
I pace back and forth in my room and run to the bathroom. I dig through the drawer and find nothing to help me numb this pain. Nothing to silence this voice in my head. Nothing but a razor. No, I can't... I... I have been clean for months. I won't go back to self harm. I can't. But I crave it at time like this. I hear someone knocking on the door. "One second, Mom. I'll be out in a second."
"All right honey, Just come to the front door when you're done... Someone is here for you. " She shouted from outside the door.
"Okay." I reply
Who could possibly be here. I'm really not in the mood for this. I suppose it could be helpful. It's not like I can talk to anyone about any of this. No one will ever understand.
I take a few deep breath to recollect myself and wipe away the tear, then walk out of the bathroom and up to the front door. I peek out the window and to my surprise it's the one person who's ever understood me. The one person I hate. The one person who put me through so much. The one person other than my mom who genuinely cares?
I open the door.
"Grant, what brings you here?"
"Hey, Megan. Can I come in?"
"Yeah, sure, but why are you..."
He closes the door and appears to remember the layout of the house pretty well, considering he goes straight to the same chair that he'd always sit in when we were still together.
"Show me your wrists." he says sternly
"What? Why? I'm fine." I respond with shock
"Megan, I know you. You're not 'fine' and you saying that you are is just you putting on a brave face. You're hurt, and whether some of that comes from me and what I did or it's solely from Alistair's death," I twinged at those words " I still care about you."
I hadn't expected those words to come from him once more. I especially didn't expect them to flutter through the air as if all was as it's supposed to be. Is it possible that, right now, in this very moment, I feel as if everything is going to be okay? Is it possible that I feel genuinely fulfilled?
"I didn't hurt myself. Thank you for caring." I begin. " I don't know what to say. This pain that I'm feeling... Is it selfish of me to be like this when his on again off again girlfriend is dealing with the exact same thing? I mean like, he and I weren't even dating and I'm over here throwing myself a pitty party. It just doesn't seem right."
"No, no, I understand why anyone would be hurt. A lot of us have known him forever and to a lot of us he was like family. It's normal." He explains.
"Maybe I should get out of the house. Do you want to go and get some coffee or something?" I ask, keeping in mind our history.
"You know I can't turn down coffee! " He exclaims.
"Yeah but I also know that the moment someone sees you with me, you'll turn into a completely different person."
"Let me prove to you I've changed." He assuringly expressed.
"I'm not expecting much. I guess we'll find out though. Won't we?" I say as if I'm challenging him.
"Yeah, I suppose we will." He playfully responds.
After I tell my mom that he and I are leaving to go get coffee it's as if I feel this weight being lifted off of my shoulders. As if all was right. And to top it all off, I actually feel happy. I guess the thing that weirds me out the most is the fact that I'm with Grant of all people yet I still feel okay. Well I mean, it's not that he is awful, I suppose i over exaggerated how bad he was, it's that that he treated me awful. Apparently that's changed.
As we walk towards "Le cafe" he literally becomes the definition of gentleman. Opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk, etc. I'm am honestly just taken by surprise
When we walk up to the counter to order, he looks at me and says, "You still like french vanilla mochas?"
"Of course!" I exclaim, surprised that he actually remembered.
He orders a medium americano and proceeds to pay for the two drinks. As we go to sit down he says "I'm really glad I get to spend time with you. I have been feeling pretty bad about everything that happened between us and I just--"
"Don't." I interject. "I don't want to hear it."
"I know but you need to understand that I never meant to hurt you and I really did have feelings for you. I need you to know that. Please say you understand." He pleads.
I take a deep breath to help calm myself down and argued, "You say these things now yet you never expressed them when we were together. Why now? Why not when we were together?"
Just as I finish saying that, a few guys from the football team walk in and make eye contact with both of us. I look away and question what he's going to do.
" Heeeeyyyyy Grant!" They shout condescendingly to him from across the cafe while making obnoxious kissy faces.
He doesn't bother to acknowledge them. He doesn't break his eye contact with me. He doesn't even flinch. He continues the conversation and says. "I never said these things when we were together because I was scared. I knew I wasn't worthy of you. I knew I wasn't equal to your needs. I wanted better for you and I didn't feel capable of giving that to you. But it's your love that holds me together. It's you that holds me together. I was ridiculous and didn't realize that what I've been missing this whole time... was you. I love you. You're my forever and always. No matter what."
Silence falls around me. Time stands still. And as every syllable of what he just said is processed in my brain, reality comes flooding back. However, this reality is different. In this reality it's just he and I with other people merely playing the role of extras and space fillers. They become irrelevant and we become an us.
Once I recollect myself, I respond with quite possibly one of the most feeble minded responses ever, "Oh."
"Oh?" He says, clearly a bit confused.
"I'm sorry. That came out wrong." I explain. "I just really am surprised. You're different now. You've changed. There's a light in you and it's radiating out of you. Honestly, It's refreshing. I didn't think you had actually changed but you have. You proved me wrong."
He looks at me and says, "That's all I've been convey this whole time."
He gave me a ride back to my house and as he pulled out of my driveway, everything slowly started to go back to the way it was before he came over. The pain, the sorrow. Oh, and let's not forget the broken heart and ribs. Just as it was before, every breath I take knowing I won't see him in this life again puts me in excruciating amounts of pain.
I go to sit in my room maybe take a nap. Or two. Or three. Time passes and the sun goes to sleep but I just lay there feeling nothing. That's a unique talent of mine you know. I can just turn my emotions off and not worry about anything. As far as my mind goes, well the memories and thoughts are still there but they're there without any connotation. They become neutral. I become numb.
