Kiss of death

sinking hearts

The most painful thing is, each and everyone tells you its okay and that they are really sorry. You just want to shove them away, but they squeeze the life out of you and suffocate you with their sweet perfumes. The one thing though that kills me about death, is the pity and tears of people who don't even know you.

I'm practically sweating bullets in this not so little black number and the LA sun is not very forgiving either. I'm seated on the left side of the Johnson family, and behind me some woman is crying so hard I'm getting a headache. We are at the burial grounds at the St Louis perish, and the funeral parlor did not think to at least bring a tent. Mrs Johnson looks stoic and gracious but thanks to the tight grip she has on my hand , I'm certain its just a facade. I respect her though, because for a woman who just lost her only two children , she has been so strong.

As for me, I'm numb and stiff as a metal rod. Its not easy to figure out how to react to seeing your boyfriend and his twin sister, being lowered into the ground and being piled over with dirt. So I just sit there and stare. I stare until my eyes hurt and there is a rock over their buried bodies, to ensure Brandon and Britney are never coming back. I stare as the rock is adorned with flowers from friends and family , they hold each other and slowly they leave. Just like Brandon in my dreams, people fade until its just me and the woman who I'm pretty sure I've dug my nails into.

We just sit there for a while and I focus on the joint tomb stone of my boyfriend and my best friend. The messages for both are pretty usual except that Brit's indicates she was my bff and Brand's says he was a boyfriend, and has "my forever and always". I smile at our thing, taking a peek at the woman beside me ,who had ensured that it was put there. Mrs Johnson or Lace as I call her , looked back at me and smiled, although it was then that the first tear dropped. The very first sign of grief she had shown since the day the twins died.

That's when my dam crumbled and I began to feel the moisture leaking over my cheeks. A series of shivers ran through me and I wept for the love I'd lost. Lace pulled me into her and we cried together until everything went black in my head.

****

I woke up enveloped in the warmth of Brand's lingering wood and spice scent. I moved to lean in closer but it never got stronger, and the sinking feeling in my heart reminded me it never would. I looked around his room, still as he had left it. Gray and white walls with a French door leading to the balcony. The four poster bed was covered with a black comforter and had open shelves opposing it. The red shelves were lined with his trophies and lots of pictures of us and his family. Mostly though it was novels of varying genres for when I slept over. Which was almost every day because I loved it so much here.

Looking around, I realized it was my room , well not really, but it was fashioned to suit my likes. The colors gray and black were my favorite colors not his.

Everything was adjusted to suit my liking, he was just that amazing.

Getting out of bed, I throw on one of his shirts and jeans I kept here. When I get downstairs my parents and Lace are in the kitchen, and if my nose is right , they're baking choc-chips. Our favorite, the three of loved to steal them off the rack all the time, despite that they were usually baked for us . For the second time today my heart sinks and a sob escapes my throat. I can't breath, it starts to hurt everywhere , I swear I'm dying. I fall to the floor and cry as the burning in my belly intensifies. I curl up into myself, trying to keep myself from falling apart.

"Honey....are you okay... baby look at me!"

"Take deep breaths and relax sweetheart."

"Nate what's wrong with her, what's wrong with ... with... my my baby. Should I call 911?"

Their voices echo, ringing so loudly they give me a headache. Their faces are blurry over the tears and their panic makes me even more tense. So I do the best thing at that moment, for the second time that day, I succumb to the nothingness of the dark.

I learn later that, that was the first of many panic attacks. The first step down the hill of depression and drowning in my sorrow. I don't really put up I fight because he didn't either. They both didn't! So if the two strongest people I know let death take them, how can I keep fighting?

Why should I? Its not like I have any friends or siblings, or that my heart will love again. It died with them, Him. So I wait for grim to come for me too. "Take me to my love!" , I pray every night because I'm too much of a whimp to commit suicide.

A\N
whoop, first chapter done. This is my first book so please be gentle. Its a depressing chapter and there will be many more so stop if its too much. Please comment because your input is so vital you guys.
Thank you xoxo!