Tais-Toi

Chapter Twenty

She has a bloody boyfriend?! Since when? And why exactly didn't I know this?

"Willow, she's old enough to have a boyfriend. Why are you making such a big deal out of it?"

I don't, dad. The problem is that I didn't know this. She should have told me. You should have told me. How long has this been going on?

"A few weeks. Two, three maybe. I don't know. Ask her."

Dad, please. I have no idea of what's happening over here anymore! You just put me in that prison so you don't have to take care of me for five bloody days! And why? Because I can't speak? Because I'm mute? Since when is that a bad thing?

"You just-"

"Oh, please. You're just like a mum and a dad discussing over whether or not I have chosen the right one. I'm not a child anymore." Quickly, I turn around to Gwendolyn who's standing in the kitchen with a boy. Hand in hand. "Willow, please. Don't make a scene of this. Let me first introduce him to you. Willow, this is Josh... He's my boyfriend. Maybe you know him..." When she sees my face, she knows I have no clue. Maybe vaguely... But I have no idea who he is. "Do you know Elizabeth? Elizabeth Hensley?"

Yeah, she sleeps a few doors from mine and we have a few classes together. Why?

"Josh is her brother. That's how we met. We exchanged numbers, talked a lot and when I came to visit you four weeks, dad, ago, we decided to make it official. So, you can communicate with him in sign language. He'll understand."

What? Really?

"Yes, I can understand you perfectly." He says to me.

Wow, you just climbed higher on my ladder of appreciation.

"I hope you don't mind, but he's staying here for Christmas."

Why ask me? I clearly don't have much to say over here.

"Willow, please..." My dad tries, but it's too late. I don't let him speak. I snapped.

Don't, dad. You'll never understand how it is to be me. You just don't see it, do you? I know Gwen is the perfect daughter and it's very difficult to compete with that. I know I'm not nearly as perfect as she is and I know I make a bloody scene out of everything. But I used to be like everybody else. I blended in. But when I lost my voice you told me "No, keep your dreams on the low. You'll never make it without a voice.". Do you even know what I want? Do you notice me when I'm not home all the time? Invisible, I feel invisible and forgotten. I work myself up and let the nerves take over.

Yes, when things don't go my way, the nerves take over. I snap, I freak out. That's me! Okay, that's me! I need control and I don't know how to let go of things. I need to learn to let it be, don't I? That's what you tell me. But I can't! Because I'm mute! I can't vent. I'm silenced for the rest of my life and the only ones that can open me up, don't seem to care.

And it won't get better when I get older. It won't! Because there will never be a sound coming out of my throat! This is my life now, dad! And I have to live it! Me, not you! And it would really help if you would tell me some things from time to time! I'm ready to love the good and the bad. You should make the best of what you have because sometimes it's beauty and sometimes it's pain. But you only give me the pain. I'm living right now and believe it or not, but sometimes I love to be different. So, I'm happy being me. When I'm ready with my outburst, tears are streaming of my face. I want to scream, shout. Everyone is staring at me, full of compassion. Compassion I don't need. I just see Gwendolyn with a painful face looking at me. I'm screwing up Christmas for her. It's such an important Christmas for her because it's the first time with a boyfriend and I'm screwing it up. Why didn't I just stay at school?

"She still looks a lot like her mother, doesn't she?"