You Thought You Knew Me

Don't Look Back

To fully understand who I am you need to know who I was. The girl I was before everything started to fall apart. The girl that I wish I could be once again. To see the future you must decode the past.  

It is June 16, 1997,  a mother holds her newborn baby girl. As a newborn the world seems so big and scary. I will never remember this day in great detail. Just that this is the day was the day I was born. Although we don't remember it, the day we are born is probably the most traumatic day in our life.

Fast forward to September 2001. I have just started kinder-garden and am so excited to meet new friends. My overalls are too long and my shoes are a little too big. My backpack hangs on a hook outside the classroom with everyoneelse's. But the other kids avoid me because I am loud and can't sit still.  

September 2005. I am in fourth grade and hating every minute of it. I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I am quite chubby but in a cute way. But it still leads to teasing and bullying. I have a teacher who is absolutely horrible. He hates me and won't hesitate to yell and shout. I end up in a knee immobilizer after my sister trips me as I am getting out of a chair. I have damaged the ligaments and have strict orders to keep wight off of the leg. But the teacher does not care. He refuses to let me use my crutches in the classroom. But it's not all bad. I get my puppy Buddy in April of this year and couldn't be happier.

September 2006. The teasing about my weight has led to me not eating. I drop down to about 70 pounds. At close to five feet tall, I am unnaturally thin. But people begin to treat me with respect and I unwilling begin to regain weight. I am happy and glad to be accepted. I am an A student and proud of it.

September 2009. This is the last "normal" year of my life. It is the last year that I will be able to go without worry and fear. People are beginning to really like me. It is the year I experience the pain of being rejected by the boy I had being crushing on. This is the year that I meet my best friend Emma.  She is the new girl at the time. But I didn't care. We became the best of friends.

That was me before everything began to fall apart. I was far from extraordinary. But if there is one thing I have learned it is don't look back. Live life without being stuck in the past. But to be honest, I would love to go back to the past and try to avoid the future,

I long for the past. I want to escape the present. And I am terrified of the future.