You Thought You Knew Me

Who I Am vs. Who You See

When most people meet me for the first time they would most likely describe me as loud, crazy, and wierd.  People who have known me for years probably think I'm loud, friendly, scatter-brained, and clumsy.  People who have managed to sneak into my little world over the years would probably say that I am random, distracted, determined, and strong.   But looks don't always tell the truth.  What you see isn't always what you get.  Sure it's true that I'm loud and friendly.  But the rest, the rest is mostly just a mask.  

If you really knew me you would know that I am terrified.  That I am hopeless and lost.  That all I want is an answer that will never be found.  I might seem loud and crazy but really I am self-concious and shy.  I don't do well with change and hate to watch people walk out of my life.  I love animals and I probably trust them more than any human.  I am frail and weak.  I am driven but not strong.  This is me, a person that only I truely know.

People always ask me why I love to draw, ride horses, read, and write.  The answer is simple:  When I am doing those things I can be who I am and not who I pretend to be.  When I pick up my pencil I travel to a place where nothing can bring me down.  When I hand some one a picture my smile is real.  When I pull myself into the saddle I leave my worries on the ground and break free from rules and regulations.  When I read I get lost in the story and for just a little while everything seems okay.  When I write all the pain and fear flows into something that only I can fully understand.  When I am be myself, I am able to laugh and smile without any effort.

I used to be a strong happy girl.  I used to be semi-normal.  Not anymore.  Things have changed and I am struggling to keep up.  All I want is some one to save me before I'm in to deep and can't get out.