You Thought You Knew Me

Love That Lets Go

You might wonder about why I am so hesitant to let people see the real me.  The answer is something everyone can relate to.

I used to be an open book, trusting everyone.  But when I would get close to some one, they would leave.  Whether they moved away, found 'better' friends, or passed away, all that mattered was that they left me.  I slowly began to build up walls to shield me for the pain I felt when they left.  I got more careful with my choice of friends because I needed people that didn't replace me when they found some one better.

But losing a friend is nothing compared to losing a loved one.  Whether a pet or person, they still touch our lives.  But to be honest, I think losing a pet who has become a part of the family is muchharded than losing a distant aunt or the grand parent you didn't really know.  I have seen pets go from playful and energetic to tired and mellow.

The best example would have been Digger.  He was the world best dog in my eyes.  He went from a dare devil puppy that loved to run all over town, to an arthritic old man who struggled to get up.  But I loved him no matter how long it took him to get up or move around.  He was an angle in the form of mans best friend.  He listened to my problems and offered a furry shoulder to cry on.  When he could no longer stand up or walk we knew it was time.  But what hurt the worst was how happy he was to go for a car ride, little did he know it would be his last.  I hugged him and told him I loved him as the vet gave him the lethal euthanasia injection.  I pet him and cried as the life drained from his eyes.  For months after that day, I slept with his collar by my side.  

Digger taught me to trust and forgive.  But when he died, I made my wall even stronger because I had trusted him and he had left me.  I know that it wasn't his fualt but all I could proccess was that he was gone.

But now I know that Digger had taught me that even though some one is gone, it doesn't mean they have stopped loving you.  Digger sent me Colton and in turn led me to Red Man.  

Red Man is a skittish Quarter Horse gelding who is teaching me to trust again.  He is showing me that it okay to let go of all my fears and mistrust.  He is teaching me to forgive and be strong.  Red Man is teaching me about the love that lets go.  The love that will always be with you even after the one you loved is gone.  

I am learning to trust with my heart instead of my head.  I am letting go but still holding on.  If that makes sense.....  I am freeing myself from the past and chasing the future.