Anderperry - Somewhere only we know.

Bang.

{{Todd's POV}}

Well, I guess that was a shock. I didn't know if Neil would even be coming back to school, since his father seemed pretty angry, and I knew why. I knew why all along, it was the whole reason I didn't want Neil to do the play, and why I never did. I had to let him do it though, since it made him so happy. Happier than usual, which I never thought I would see. He was always happy. He was always grinning, and he grinned brighter the second he could have the part of Robin Goodfellow - It wasn't like I could ruin his dreams just because I thought it was a bad idea for him to go ahead with it. I couldn't quell out the extra spark in his smile.

It was still nice to see him again, since I was convinced his father had enough of his antics - it was just the look on his face as he dragged my best friend away. I mean, from what I've seen of him, he always looked grumpy but not this... not this grumpy. He seemed to be harsh on Neil, and I wouldn't have put it past him to move Neil to a different school, it sounds like the thing he'd do. I finally learnt that I was right when I finally had a conversation with Neil, after a few moments of awed silence, partly because we were both surprised to see each other there, partly because we were both so exhausted at this time of night. When we did finally talk it was cold. It was colder than even I was after waiting out here for hours in the cave, snow spilling in through the entrance of it.

"So, I'm not coming back." He muttered, almost whispering.

"What do you mean? You're leaving Welton?"

"No. Well, my dad wants me to. He's trying to make me go to..." Pause. He seemed to have a lump in his throat. "Military school."

We both fell silent for a few minutes, since he was trying not to cry and I was just shocked, taking it all in.

"But, I won't." The words spilled from his lips like a knife which sliced the silence. "I'm not letting him win again. He seems to just want to make me unhappy, and I'm not going to let him do that."

He sounded so happy once again, so positive and I was happy for him so I obviously joined in with the grinning. I must've got it out of context, since all he did next was walk to the mouth of the cave and mutter back to me with a thick voice.

"I don't think you should stick around, Todd."

"Why not? You said you weren't going to go to this military school, doesn't that mean you're gonna stay here?"

"Well, here literally, I guess. I can't say no with my words so I'll have to say no with my actions, and there's only one way I can do that and make it work," He pulled out a little package which was wrapped in a rough looking, cream coloured cloth. I had no idea what was inside it, and I wasn't sure I wanted to.  "And the only way to do that and make sure it works is with this."

"And what... What is that?"

"A revolver. A nice one, definitely. My fathers only pride and joy, since I'm a disappointment."

"You're going to kill your father for making you go to school? Neil, that's insan--"

"No, goddamnit, Todd. I'm gonna kill myself. I'm going to do it." He chuckled, pulling the gun from the little package and the little cardboard box which rattled with bullets. His hands weren't shaking, he wasn't hesitant. He seemed too happy to be doing this. "I'm going to say no."

And I felt my stomach twist up like it was being wrung out, and my mind just went blank. I couldn't think of the words to say. All I could hear was the clicking sounds as he was presumably loading the revolver that he said he had. There was only one word in my brain.

"No..." I whispered to myself, then said again louder so Neil could actually hear me. "No."

"Exactly, I'm saying no." He sighed and turned to me, the gun in his hand which rested on his lap. "I can't lie my way out of this. I can't cheat it, I can't run away. So you might want to leave unless you want to get covered in... Well, brains."

I didn't know what to say. I'd been so selfless all along, I let him do all the mental things he wanted to just to keep him happy, I went to all his meetings and helped him learn his lines for the damn play and now he's just going to kill himself because he got what was coming to him... He knew his father was going to be furious and so did I. The sting of bitter tears cut down my cheeks at that point. I yelled like I'd only done once before, like I was taught to do by my barbaric yawp.

"No! Bullshit, Neil, you told me anything was possible and it's possible for you to survive a few more years of school, and then you're out and can do whatever you like! Yet you feel the need to shoot yourself, which will break all our friends, it'll kill Mr Keatings and maybe even your parents!... Your mom... And I know, that sure as shit, it will shatter me too." I ranted, getting slightly quieter towards the end. It took Neil a moment to take in what I'd said, before he just smiled. He took my hand and smiled at me, speaking more gently.

"It's also possible for me to say no for once, which is what I've told you a hundred times that I'm doing." He stepped closer to me and did what he had only did once before. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and hugged me. Sure, most people thought it was a little weird. He didn't hug me like a friend or a brother, he hugged me like I meant something to him. It was warm. I could rest my head on his shoulder, and I still heard his heart thumping. Bump, bump, bump. It wasn't too different to usual. He wasn't scared, he wasn't hesitant. I was. I felt a panic stirring in my tummy the longer he held me, and when he next spoke it all unravelled and made me feel like I was going to throw up.

"It's time for us both to go, Todd. Go back to bed and promise me, that you will not come back here any time soon. Promise me?" He said gently, holding my face up to look at him. I was bewildered. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream at him and cry, kick up a fuss so big that he just gave up and went to the damn military school. But his mind was set, he was stubborn and once he'd made up his mind, that was that. I knew that better than most, so I felt like I had no choice but to let him do what he wanted to do.

Since I had to let him do it, I wanted to at least give him some words of consolation. I don't mean sit and reminisce all the good times with it and then perform a dramatic farewell, I just mean to say something, but the words in my head struggled to roll off my tongue and instead stayed lumped up and bundled in my throat in the form of tears that were stuck there. I couldn't say anything. I seemed to forget how, and so I did the most stupid thing I could've done - I just ran. I ran away from him, just about getting beyond the stream and back onto school grounds before I collapsed in a heap on the floor and just cried. My hot, bitter and heartfelt tears hit the snow and made little and almost perfectly circular holes in the snow where they melted through, leaving a pattern like that on a Dalmatian. I sat there and cried because I knew that this time, my best friend was decided and there was nothing, nothing that I could do about it anymore.

Or, perhaps I could?... I could go back, I could talk him out of it, I could--

Bang.

...

...

...

No, I couldn't.