How To Live Without You

Part 1

Imagine. These last two days have been so quiet. You passed the days walking around your empty house. You wish to hear some laughter, some kind of noise. But nothing and nobody. You could hear the screams when he came back home that night.

"You're never here!" you screamed at him. It was late, very late. You were shoving his stuff into a suitcase messily while he just stood there, not sure what to do. "I'm always alone! Always!" you said as you pause for a second. You looked at him to see a tear running down his cheek but you didn't care. He didn't care about all the times you cried because he was not here. He didn't care about all the times you had to take care of the children by yourself because he was too busy at the studio. He didn't care when you told him you needed him to be more present. You didn't want to care for him now. "Please y/n..." he managed to say before his voice cracked. You closed the suitcase, grabbed it and walked past him to go to the front door. He followed you without a word. You opened the door angrily and threw the suitcase outside. "Leave" you say with clenched teeth. He opened his mouth in shock. "Y/n I-" he started to say before you cut him off. "I said leave" you repeat more sternly. He looked down and walked to the porch, still facing you. It was representing the situation you were in well. You were at the house. He was outside. He was right in front of you yet so far away like in a different world. A world you were not sure you wanted to live in. For a few seconds, your eyes met his. He was crying. You were not. You will not cry in front of him. You're strong. You did it alone for weeks, you can do it. You slammed the door in his face. And everything was silent. No more screams. No more problems. You put your back against the door and slid to the floor before bursting into tears. No more love.

A knock on the door brought you back to reality, and like that night, the tears were once more rolling down your face. You quietly dried them and almost ran to the door. You were about to open it, but went back to the mirror to check your face first. You didn't want them to know you were crying. You took a deep breath in front of the mirror. 'You can do this' you said to yourself. You went to the door and finally opened it, putting a big smile on your face. "Mommy!" you immediately heard your children screaming. You kneeled down and opened your arms to welcome them as they ran into them. You hugged them tightly and kissed their heads. "I missed you so much" you manage to say with a clear voice. 'I'm strong' you reminded yourself. "We missed you too, Mommy" Kyle told you before kissing your cheek. "Was your day with Daddy good?" you asked and pet your daughter's hair. You had no idea how you managed to keep it together. "Yeah, Daddy took us at the studio" Sami explained. You let your eyes go up to him. Of course. Can't take a day out of work. You shook your head and rolled your eyes discreetly before standing up. "Hi" you said to Darren politely. "Hi" he answered back as he seemed to swallow his words. "Come on guys, it's time to say goodbye to Daddy" you reminded them. Kyle put away his bag behind you and went to kiss his father's cheek. "See you Daddy!" he said happily and went into the house to play. Sami seemed more sad to leave her father. "Daddy, why don't you stay at home with all of us?" she asked. Darren kneeled and kissed her cheek, "Sami we've talked about this. Sometimes Mommies and Daddies needs to be away from each other to understand some things" he looked sad and on the verge of tears. You looked away. "I want you to stay" the little girl said. "I promise we will spend some time again soon princess. Come on, give me a hug" he said and opened his arms. Sami hugged him and he hugged back. He closed his eyes tightly and pulled back.

He put a smile on his face and whispered "I love you". "I love you too Daddy" she said before he stood back up. Sami turned to you and you put a hand through her curly hair before she entered the house to join her brother. And there you were again. Two different places yet so close. He coughed and put his hands in his pockets. "The weekend went well. They did great. They asked a few questions but uhm... I tried to explain as much as I could" he admitted. "I don't want them to be involved with what's going on between us. I'd rather have them safe" you said slowly. "Me too..." he answered. A uncomfortable silence joined the conversation. "Anyway, you can take them whenever you want. Just text me before" you say and attempt to close the door. "Wait" he said and stopped it. "Can we talk?" he asked. His eyes that were usually filled with joy and excitment were only filled with tears. Yours were too. "I don't wanna talk" you said. He leaned on the door and said "Y/n-" and you closed it. It was already hard enough like this. You closed your eyes and took a moment to calm down. Your kids deserved happiness, smiles and rainbows. You didn't want them to be sad. You didn't want them to see you sad either. But it was hard to always pretend.

"Mommy, why aren't you happy?" Kyle asked as you were all eating dinner. "Because Daddy is not here" Sami answered right away. You looked at her. "If Daddy were here, you would be happy" she said before she looked down at her plate. "Unfortunately, it's more complicated than that baby" you answered. "You always say people you love and who love you are the best at making you happy" Kyle casually said. "It's true" you nodded. "Then why wouldn't you be happy if Daddy were here? Don't you love him?" Sami asked. Her eyes were flashing something sad that you couldn't see in Kyle's eyes. She was older. She could understand better what was going on, yet she was still a child. "Of course I love Daddy" you said. 'Don't cry, don't cry' you repeated in your head. "So it's Daddy who doesn't love you anymore?" Kyle guessed. "No, Daddy still loves me" you explained. "Then why is he not here to make you happy?" he asked again. "Because..." your voice cracked. Fuck. 'Breath'. "Because sometimes even two people who love each other very much don't know how to be happy together". "I hope that you find a way soon" Sami said. You spotted a tear on her face. You pouted and brushed it away. "I hope so too, baby. I hope so too"