How To Live Without You

Part 3

The television was filling up the silence of the house. It was so uncomfortable, so weird to experience that kind of silence with him. You were sitting on the couch, a pillow against your chest. "Here you go." Darren said and put a tray full of food on the coffee table. "I'm not hungry." you stated without looking away from the tv. "Well I know it's probably not gonna be very good since I did it, but you should eat something. I promise not to get offended if you decide to eat an apple instead" he tried to joke. "I'm good" you said coldly. "Ok..." Darren almost whispered. "Just tell me if you need anything" he said and sat on the couch. "I need you to leave" you asked for the hundredth time. "Told you. Not gonna happen" Darren answered. "I promised to love you in sickness too". "You were also supposed to love me in health" you said right away.

If he wanted to play that card, he could be sure not to win. He turned his head to you and sighed. "I just-" "You're sorry. I know. I'm tired of excuses" you admitted. You just wanted calm. You wanted to lay down and not move until someone calls to tell you you're safe and healthy. You wanted to shout and cry and think about how this whole thing could get better. But you wanted to do all of this alone. "I know you don't really want to be alone. I know you like the back of my hand" Darren finally said after a few minutes watching you. "I'm done" you said and stood up from the couch. "Where you're going?" he asked. "Somewhere you're not! I'm so tired of your little perfect hubby game, that's so annoying!" you lost your calm. He looked around in shock. "I don't want you here! I don't want you to remind me of all we promised each other. I don't want you to tell me you know me. I can't stand the fact you're playing the caring guy" you explained and walked around the living room. "I do care" he answered and rose from the couch too. "I know you do! And that's so annoying! Stop caring!" you told him.

He frowned and looked at you confusingly. "I don't want you to care now! I wanted you to care before, to be here and you didn't listen, you didn't do any of those things, so why doing it now?" you asked. He opened his mouth to answer but no words came out of it. "I hate you so much sometimes" you muttered as you felt the tears joining your eyes. "I hate you because you can't understand that I never stopped caring for the both of us. I hate you because you can't figure out when I need you the most!" you said as your voice got higher with every word. "y/n, calm down" he said softly. "I hate you because you managed to make me so unhappy when you're not around!" I hate you because of all the times you told me you will never leave me!" you continued as you rubbed your fingers and walked more sternly around. "It's okay..." he tried to calm you down. He walked in your direction slowly. "No, it's not okay!" you almost yelled as you suddenly walk in front of him. "I can't even imagine what it's like to be without you, even when I know what it's like since you've been away for two fucking months!" you screamed and banged your fists on his chest. Not enough to hurt him, but enough to let out your frustration. "Shh..." he whispered as he took you in his arms. You were resistant at first and tried to get away, but he was strong. You finally relaxed in his arms, and a few of your tears landed on his shirt. You were not holding him. It was just his arms around you, his hand on the back of your head and his heart beating next to your ear. It was everything you hoped for weeks now, to relax, to feel home. And you find it in the arms of the guy you were so confused about at the moment. The guy you agreed to love forever. You pulled away and dried your tears. You took a deep breath and looked up at him. "I'll be in the office" you said before walking down the corridor. "Leave the door open!" you heard behind you. "Oh fuck off Darren!" you rolled your eyes and slammed the door behind you.

"Did you got any news from the doctor?" Darren asked as you got under the sheets. "It's midnight. Of course not. I'll have to wait tomorrow morning" you explain. He nodded and you lay down, your back to him. You heard him opening the closet and throw things on to the floor. You turned around and asked "What are you doing?". "I'm making a bed on the floor. I'm not sure i'll hear you if I sleep on the couch and you need me..." he responded and kept throwing pillows and blankets next to the bed. You lay back down and bit your lip. This is ridiculous. You love this man. Yeah you were angry at him, yeah you had reasons to, but this... "Come in bed" you say without looking back at him. "What?" he answered shocked, not sure he heard well. "You're not going to sleep a wink on the floor, come in bed" you repeated. You could almost picture his satisfied smile. It was one of your favorite. "Thanks" he said as he slided under the sheets. "Don't. It's your bed too" you reminded him. You were both at the edge of the bed, like two strangers having to sleep in the same place. The silence filled the room with awkwardness and regrets. The thoughts of what you had said earlier got right back into your mind. You turned around to see him. You could see the back of his head and his curls. You missed putting your fingers through it, laughing at night and his cuddles. You missed your husband more than anything.

"I'm scared" you admitted. He turned around and moved his pillow to get closer before looking into your eyes. "Scared of what?" he whispered. "I'm scared of being sick. I'm scared of losing you. I'm scared of living alone with the kids. I'm scared of losing the only person I could talk to about anything" you explained slowly, looking into his eyes. "I really don't wanna lose my best friend" you shrugged. "Me neither" Darren smiled faintly. "You should have told me you were sick" he said. "We don't know about that yet" you corrected him. "But I know I should have. I'm just... I'm just trying to learn how to live without you. That's not very easy" you explained. "You don't have to do that" he whispered. "I don't want to" you admitted. You looked in his eyes for a long time. It's something you always loved in him. It's so powerful yet so sweet and kind. "I don't want to be in this world without you, because I'm not sure I want a life like this" you said. "Does that make me a bad person?" you scrunch up your face. He laughed. And after a long time, you eventually heard your favorite sound. You smiled. "I don't like being away from here, from you and the kids. I know I made mistakes. I wanted everything to be perfect and instead I created something that was very messy and not right. But I really want this to work. I want to come back here, to spend nights talking to you and mocking the stupid TV shows. I want to be waken up by you in the middle of the night because one of the kids is crying and you're too lazy to get up yourself" he joked. "Hey!" you said and hit him playfully. He chuckled and you joined him. "I'm glad you're here" you admitted. "Me too" he smiled. He kissed your forehead and whispered to you "Good night". You looked at him and hesitated. But not for so long. You pecked his lips and said back "Good night, Dare".