SACRILEGIOUS: Confessions of a Roman Catholic Seminarian

Chapter V: The Everlasting Man

Jake was exhausted already and he had yet to start driving, the trip from Yosemite would take almost all day to complete, the one thing that would make it tolerable was the fact that he wasn't driving alone, Robert would ride with him. Jake had not had much of a choice on that actually, Robert's radiator blew up on his car before leaving and since Jake had not yet left for Yosemite he had gone to the rescue. The retreat this year had been much the same as the others he had already attended, filled with talks about how to be a good seminarian, daily Mass, and time for Eucharistic adoration at nights. The retreat had taken place on private ranch some fifteen minutes away from the Highway 120 Yosemite Entrance, deep in the California Sierra Nevada mountains. Everything about the retreat had seen more relaxed to Jake this time, maybe it was the years of familiarity attending retreats garnished with a hint of boredom or the unknown certainty of his ever-growing spiritual conciseness. The retreat had offered plenty of opportunities for private reflections outside scheduled events, reflections Jake took roaming along the forests of the ranch enjoying the silence of the protecting giant sequoias.

Every morning during the retreat Jake would raise half an hour before sunrise and run out to the rocky hills north of the ranch, which commanded a prominent view of the mountain crests. By the time he managed to climb the steep hills, the sun began to kiss the dark face of the sky with its rosy lips, painting the firmament with an explosion of colors. This was where Jake felt God spoke to him, showcasing the magnificence of creation, this was where he felt most alive. After spending a good hour on the hill, Jake would run back through the hill, dodging branches and jumping over fallen logs, allowing his legs to carry him as he felt the fresh sierra air fill his lungs. Once back on camp, morning prayer felt much more personal after having secretly spent a moment alone with God. Those intimate moments with God on the hill, and the psalms he read over morning prayer fueled him with solace and grace.

The retreat had seemed short for Jake, hiking, swimming and camping had been a daily thing that weekend. These activities allowed him to dive deeper into his soul by providing breaks from the heavy spiritual advice of the one too many talks drilled into his head. The morning Fr. John Lodi celebrated mass on top a peak near the ranch, Jake felt when God touched him, and told him to persevere in his uncertainty regarding his vocation. While in Mexico City he had begun to doubt his reliance in sticking to the vow of celibacy which he would have to take one day. Jake had ever thought of marriage; he had never thought much in girls or dating in high school actually. Most of his time was spent between three places: the swimming pool, his desk where he studied, and church. Nevertheless, there had been a growing fear of not knowing what it felt to fall in love, to be kissed, or the knowing that someone would anxiously wait for his return home after a long day of work. Jake still desired to be a priest, yet he wondered if this life of solitude was really the life he wanted.

Jake had talked to Fr. Lodi about this, and the best advice he had received was to always listen to the voice of God. The voice of God, speaks through what makes us happy, holy, and complete. You must be willing to surrender to the will of God, that will ultimately make you happy. Fr. Lodi had said. However, in order to hear that voice, he needed to be willing to listen to it when he prayed, to always listen, in the good and the bad moments. Jake felt as if the retreat had been catered especially for him, and by the end of the retreat he felt, a fire in the spirit; as said on LifeTeen. Fire, which he felt was close to being extinguished while he drove back to the Bay Area listening to one song after another of Robert's favorite ABBA playlist. Arriving to the San Joaquin Valley the playlist had run dry. Robert fell asleep, three more hours remaining on their drive, silence accompanied Jake the rest of the journey until he arrived at seminary, where Jake was more than happy to drop off Robert.

The last stretch of the journey was now to drive to St. Leo X Church, thankfully for Jake, his pastoral assignment church was only a short drive away somewhere between Menlo Park and Belmont. As Jake pulled out of the seminary's tree covered drive way and onto Middlefield Road, he stopped at the entrance gate where a statue of Our Lady the Seat of Wisdom stood in front of a small wall with a welcome sign to St. Joseph's Seminary & University. Traffic was picking up at that time of the day, far off behind Jake the roar of a motorcycle rose until he was able to see a biker dressed in black leather on his rearview mirror. While an opening on traffic came, Jake grabbed his phone and typed St. Leo's address in order to get GPS directions there.