The Boy Next Door > jariana (ON HOLD)

five

Christmas vacation flew by in a mixture of excitement and dread. The heaviness of the Nathan situation pressed down just enough to keep me from bouncing around like a Ping-Pong ball. It was two weeks before I left for London, and a week before my Feb 10th birthday. The issue of my relationship status with Nathan grew by the minute. We'd been talking about my life and how he fit in it. I'd tried to remind him that I couldn't commit to anything serious. I'd also hinted around that maybe he should date other people. He'd said he wasn't interested in dating anyone else.

I felt sick inside. I sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel and finger punching the buttons on the radio over and over again, waiting for Nathan to meet me. Nathan Reynolds, perfect as could be. A 6'2 golden boy and a water-polo-playing super star. I pictured him, with his shimmering, wet body, with broad shoulders, a slim waist and muscular legs. Arms that held me every time I felt lonely, with hands that caressed my hair and lips that kissed me tenderly, but he wasn't Justin. The gods had made a perfect male specimen, and any girl would die to have him.

I had to let him go.

I watched students filter out of the school gate like ants, some stopping to say hello to each other and others with their heads down. I spotted Nathan smiling and laughing with one of his friends as he walked towards where my car was always parked. His hair was wet from practice, and he was bundled up in a black hooded sweatshirt with Seaside Water Polo in green and gold printed on it. I seriously wanted to cry. He smiled at me, waving, as I got out of my car.

"Hey," he said, throwing his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close. I seriously wanted to disappear in a puff of smoke.

He looked down at me, and the smile vanished from his handsome face. My eyes instantly began to moisten and I walked away from him, not turning around. "Let's walk across the street to the park."

"What's going on, Ari?" His tone was stern and spiked with apprehension.

"Just walk with me, please. I have to talk to you," I quietly pleaded.

We walked the rest of the way in silence and I consciously remained a step ahead. I couldn't even look at him or I'd begin to cry. I felt it right at the surface, prickling at my eyes. I had to do this. I couldn't lead him on; that would be the shittiest thing I could do. No matter if Justin and I worked out or not, my heart wasn't in it. When we got to the park bench, Nathan pulled his backpack from his shoulder, setting it down and sat next to it.

"What is it?" he said, kicking at the leaves near his feet. "You know, save it, actually. I know you're gonna tell me you can't go out with me anymore."

I instantly began to cry. What the hell? Why? Why was I crying? I was crying because I knew I had let this go on long enough. Goddammit! I sniffled, trying to choke back the tears, and I covered my face. "I'm sorry, Nathan," I squeaked out. "I just don't want to hurt you. You deserve better than what I can give you."

I cried into my hands, not looking at him. I couldn't believe how I was reacting to this. I had no control. I thought it would be easy because I didn't want to be with him. I wasn't sure where this was coming from, so I just sat there and sobbed.

"Hey," I heard him say softly. The next thing I knew, he was holding me. "I know about you, Ari. I knew you were damaged. I told you, I'm not expecting anything other than what you're willing to give."

This made me cry harder. Damaged? Really? I pushed away from him. Finally, my eyes met his and I wiped the tears away with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. What he'd said stung.

"Well this is news. After a year of going out with me, you're finally admitting to me that you think I'm damaged goods?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I know about what you went through with your ex-boyfriend." He looked as exasperated as I felt.