The Victor

2

I wake up from a dense, dreamless sleep incredibly groggy. I can barely function, and I hate Haymitch for doing this to me, even though I feel better rested than I have in a long time. I hate the fact that I like what the drugs did to me.I get to breakfast and only Effie is there. My prep team is probably sleeping. Haymitch doesn't go to bed until it's dark outside, so he's asleep for sure.I spend the rest of the morning getting lathered in thick, creamy lotions of varying bad smells and colors and having hair ripped from my body. My prep team doesn't talk. They all look like they've never been up this early. Meanwhile, I'm completely awake, wincing every time another swath of wax is pulled from my skin. Every part of me that could possibly grow hair is bright red by the time we're done. Then I'm forced into a bathtub filled with green lotion that smells horrible, then two more baths, then I'm made to lie down and have them scour my body with tweezers.Finally, I'm released for lunch, but when I go, Zenobia sits with Effie and Haymitch, someone I don't want to see.I sit down across for him and make a point of not drinking my glass of water or the coffee Effie offers me."C'mon, Pidge." Haymitch says finally with a laugh. "You can drink the water.""How do I know you haven't drugged it?" I ask him."You can trust me."I narrow my eyes at him but take a sip of the water. I don't feel anything, and Haymitch rolls his eyes, succeeding in irritating me further.I stand up from the table and walk back to my cabin, curling up in the window seat with a pillow. I can tell we're nearing District 11. The ground has turned to rolling hills.I hear a knock on the door, and I tense up."Piper, it's just me." Haymitch says. I don't relax."I'm sorry." He slumps down next to me. "I didn't realize you'd be so upset. I wanted to help you."I look at him, trying to apologize, and my body completely relaxes."I didn't mean to lash out the way I did." I say softly. "I just…I hate the fact that I liked it. I liked how dreamless it was. But what if I keep using it and I never stop? What if one day it's not enough and I turn to morphine or liquor? I've spent the last three years seeing you drink your sorrows away. When I first met you, you jumped me with a knife! I can't live my entire life like that."Haymitch nods slowly. "You're right. Don't ever do it. Don't ever become dependent on a thing.""Then what am I supposed to depend on?" I ask him."Me." Haymitch says, and he puts a hand on my knee before standing.He looks back at me worriedly. "Piper, I have to ask you something. Has…has President Snow contacted you in anyway? Has he asked you anything?"I don't know what to do. I can't tell him but I can't keep it a secret."No." I say. "No, he hasn't. Why?""No reason." Haymitch says with a relieved smile. He leaves me in my room, and I let out an exhale of horror. I hope he never finds out.As the sun sets, the train slows down. I look in surprise at the thirty-foot tall fence with curls of barbed wire on top. The bottom is lined with solid metal plates. There is no way someone could dig a way out. I look closer and see watchtowers, maybe every thirty feet along the wall, with Peacekeepers manning guns. The security here is so much tougher than in District 12, I'm almost surprised.Inside the gates, my surprise grows. Crops stretch as far as the eye can see. Men, woman, and children of all ages straighten to watch the train's progress. There are so many of them. We pass deserted clusters of hovels, making the Seam's houses look almost posh. Everyone seems to be out picking.The fields just go on and on, far to the horizon. I knew District 11 was one of the largest districts, but I never imagined something this large.Finally, my prep team retrieves me. They do my hair and makeup, and when Zenobia comes in, carrying a tan dress patterned with faint outlines of fruit, I slip into it without a word.On the platform, a group of no less than six armored Peacekeepers escort us to an armored truck."Is this necessary?" Effie asks one huffily, but he doesn't answer. I'm suddenly very appreciative of the Peacekeepers back home who don't even bat an eye at the hunters in the woods or the Hub.As we get into the building and someone clips a microphone to me, I try to find the girl I am on stage, smooth and confident, the one the Capitol loves. The girl that President Snow wants to sell.I step out into the bright sun and immediately realize the necessity of the straw hats the people applauding me are wearing. I glance at the platform built for the families of the people who've been lost. The photo of the little girl hangs above four little boys and a father. Under the boy's is a mother and a father.The mayor says a speech about me, a little girl presents me with a bouquet of flowers, and I say my speech. I didn't know these tributes. The only tributes I knew were Leif and Magnus.Then it's to dinner, where I'm the charming, grinning, laughing songbird, and back on the train. Every day is monotony. No Districts are distinctive to me, except District 7. Clive's sneer still haunts my dreams. The applause is forced and his father stares daggers at me. I falter once or twice during my speech.In other Districts, the people are happy to see me. They call me phoenix and reach for me, and when I try to reach for them, hoping their touch might bring me back, the Peacekeepers block my way.At night, without any drugs to ease me into sleep, I wake up thrashing and screaming, but no one comes running. New nightmares are slipping into my head: Peeta dead, Haymitch dead. Naked and trapped in a cage as the Capitol watches, throwing money at President Snow in desperation to have me. The train is too big, and Haymitch can't hear me. I'm alone.I feel like Piper Lockly is slipping away.Zenobia takes in all my clothes around the waist. My prep team tells me that they have things I can take and hands me brightly colored pills. I toss them down the drain. I get maybe two hours of sleep a night, and now when I dream, I dream that I wake up in my cave, and Magnus sleeps next to me. Just before I open my mouth, I wake up for real, and tears run down my face. My finger becomes raw from twisting my ring and the sand dollar is always too far away. I'm clinging to remnants of a life that is no longer mine. Haymitch watches me wasting away and I can see the pain it's causing him, but he doesn't know what to do either.The day we reach District 4, I let the prep team do my hair and makeup as usual. Zenobia walks in and slips my dress over my head.When I look at it, I tense up."All the colors of the sea." Zenobia says, and it's true, she's simulated crashing waves, sea-green water, the deep almost black of a stormy ocean. But within the fabric, there's also the color of Magnus's eyes.I turn to her, shaking my head in horror. "I can't, I can't do this, I can't –" I run out of the compartment, trembling, and crash right into Haymitch.He grabs my arms, and I beat my hands against his chest futilely."Pigeon, listen, no, listen!" He says stubbornly, and I meet his eyes, ceasing in my assault. My heart is going so fast I can barely breathe."You can do this.""I'm not strong enough –""Pigeon, look at me." Haymitch commands, and I meet his eyes again. "This is the worst of it, I promise.""You can't promise anything." I choke. "You can't promise that it'll get better after this –""Piper." He says. "It's time to let him go."What if I can't? I don't know if it's possible anymore.Effie comes bustling in, and I try to regain my composure, my fingers gripping the sand dollar."Chop, chop." She tells me, and I move outside the train. The air smells of the sea, and I can see it in the distance. We climb on a truck and pass the houses that give off a sense of affluence.At the Justice Building, I'm close to panic, closing my eyes in an attempt to shut everyone else out. It doesn't work."Piper, it's time." Haymitch says, and I walk out into the sun, the wind blowing my short hair into a frenzy.The crowd applauds, and I try to ignore the families' platform. I start my speech, my voice sounding to my ears like it's coming from another girl.I slowly become aware of someone watching me intently. I trail off the end of my sentence and turn. The crowd becomes confused, and Effie hisses my line at me but I don't even hear her.A little girl watches me from the family platform, her green eyes matching Magnus's exactly. My breath catches in my throat and I walk off the platform, drawn to the sorrow on her young face.The crowd parts before me, murmuring, as I climb up the stairs to her. She watches me steadily. She can't be more than nine. Her mother holds onto her shoulders."You're Magnus's sister." I say softly as I reach her. She nods shortly."What's your name?""Violet."I nod and reach into my pocket hesitantly, pulling out the sand dollar. I hold onto it tightly."He wanted me to give this to you." I tell Violet, and her hands stretch for it. For a moment, I want to tuck it into my pocket. I never want to forget him. But then I meet her eyes, and tears spring into my eyes even as I smile at her. She takes it and when she looks at it, her eyes brighten.I look at the mother's face. It has lines carved into it, but she looks at me steadily."I'm sorry." I exhale and a tear slips down my face. "Magnus was my friend. I cared about him and I never wanted to see him die. I can never understand what you must feel, but I want you to know that I never wanted him to die for me. I know you must hate me for what I've done, but I promise that I hate myself more."The woman looks at me even as salty tears fall down my cheeks, and tears fill her eyes."I don't hate you, Piper Lockly from District 12." She says, and then the Peacekeepers are taking me away, their hands firmly pulling me away. I've disrupted the tradition and they're correcting it.I'm ushered into the Justice Building, where I manage to quell my tears. Somehow, I feel more complete then I have in a long time. Hearing her forgiveness broke the noose I'd tied around my own neck, at least for now."Piper." Haymitch says softly behind me, and I turn to look at him."I let him go." I say. "I was holding onto the guilt I felt over his death for so long. I kept blaming myself. But hearing her…say that she didn't hate me, I feel like I can start putting the pieces back together.""I told you that you were strong enough."I stand up, trying to shove down my whirlpool of emotion. "I'm trying to be who they think I am. The person I was in the arena.""No, Piper." Haymitch kisses my forehead. "You never lost yourself. She's just hiding until the storm clears."