Lullabies (Jalex)

Lullabies

Today was the day of my brother’s funeral.  It was probably the hardest day of my life.  Tom and I were so close, it was so shocking when he died.  I didn’t want to believe it, I refused to.  I guess the funeral was the thing that made it all feel real finally.

My advice to all of you is that when you say goodbye to someone you love, make it a sweet, sweet goodbye because it could be for the last time and you never know.  It’s not right how someone you saw just days ago could really be gone before you ever see them again.  I still remember the last words he said to me in person.  “Don’t let yourself get in over your head,” he said.  We were talking about the band my best friend, Jack, and I were starting.  I never thought to myself alone and far from home we’ll find you, Tom, but that is exactly what happened.  Tom had to go on a business trip so he was in a hotel 3 states away when he was found dead.  We still have no idea why he died in his sleep.

It’s just still so shocking that he’s dead.  Like a candle he just burned out, spilling wax over the spaces left in place of angry words.  See, he got in a fight with my parents right before he left.  Something about me and how my parents needed to treat me better or he would take me to live with him.  He had to scream to be heard over my dad’s yelling.  Like you needed any more attention, I had thought.  My parents were already angry at him for breaking up with his girlfriend because they loved her.  What they didn’t know was that she was cheating on him, and I personally hated her for it.  I heard glass being smashed which meant my dad had thrown a bottle at Tom, then I heard the door break as it slammed shut and with that my brother disappeared.  I sat in my room and watched him drive off in his car, speeding because of his anger.  I hated when this happened.  Him and my dad always fought, and it was always loud.  He called me later that night so that he could sing me to sleep, like he always did when I was upset.  I had a dream that made me wake up in the middle of the night crying; Tom was standing there waiting for me but when I got to him he hugged me and said “I miss you, I’m so sorry.”  What did that mean?

After the funeral my parents left me to sit at Tom’s grave for a while alone, and here I am now.  I had no idea what to do at first but I sat down and just talked to him.  I had so many questions for him that he couldn’t answer anymore.  “Forever’s never seemed so long as when you’re not around,” I tell him, “it’s like a piece of me is missing.”  I instantly start crying.  “I could have learned so much from you, but what’s left now?  I could have moved in with you and you could have taught me to be happier.  You were supposed to finish teaching me guitar.  We were going to start a band!” By now I’m sobbing and barely choking out words.  It’s freezing out here and all I have is a sweatshirt.

“Don’t you r-realize you shot th-this f-family a world of p-pain?  We all m-miss you.  Mom misses y-you so much, and even...even Dad does too.  Oh G-God I miss you so much,” I cry, trying desperately to regain a little composure.  At least there’s no one here to see me cry.  “I was supposed to move out with you and be happy.  Maybe if me and Dad spent a little time apart we would get along more.  Everyone could have been happy.  You could have been happy.  Can’t you see there should have been a happy ending we let go?”  I realize I’m blaming him for something that isn’t his fault and I start sobbing again, feeling guilty for being harsh.  “God, Tom, I just want you to sing me to sleep again and maybe I’ll see you in my dreams.  Maybe you’ll be waiting to say ‘I miss you, I’m so sorry’ again.  I know you didn’t want to leave me here alone.  Just come back and sing me to sleep,” I beg.  Memories of the last time we spoke keep replaying in my head.  I just keep thinking of the last words I said to him: “Sing me to sleep.  Sing me to sleep. Sing me to s…”  The memories come to an abrupt stop when an idea pops into my head.  I take out my lyric notebook that Tom bought me and write him a small little note.

Tom,

Sing me to sleep, I’ll see you in my dreams waiting to say “I miss you, I’m so sorry.”

I’m sorry.

Love always,

your little brother, Alex

“You’ve taken so much with you, Tom, but left the worst with me.  Missing you hurts so much,” I say as I put the note down by his headstone.

“Alex, he misses you too,” Jack says as he sets himself down next to me and gently wraps an arm around my shoulder.

“Jack, I don’t know what to do without him,” I admit, burying my face in my best friend’s shoulder to hide my tears.

*A/N~ Ok so I wrote this for my Creative Writing class and I thought maybe I could put it on here.  So um leave comments and tell me what you think?  And tell me if I should continue with it or not.  (I promise it will get more Jalex-y in the future)