shauns pov
Two days had passed since I’d lost it at bradie, and since then I hadnt been alone once, even though being alone was what I wanted post. I’d been through every phone call, every damn bitter arrangement with ash’s mum. She had forced me to help with the funeral, because according to her ash had been happiest with me.
Now it was early morning, and the funeral was today. Running on hardly any sleep and zero energy was hard, but I just couldn’t eat.
Actually all I wanted to do was sleep, and then drink until I got so drunk I felt like eating again, but not being able to be alone meant that my alcohol intake was limited.
Bradie wasn’t giving up though, he was over here just on daylight this morning, making sure that I was going to go. He’d turned up with shaving cream, a razor and a can of deodorant, very pointedly handing them to me before I went into the bathroom.
Showering had become the one time when I had time to myself, which in a way was bad because I was all alone and kind of crazy. Looking in the mirror was something I’d started to hate, because now I saw myself on the inside. And right now, I looked like shit.
When I was showered and dressed, I opened the razor, and like every other time I saw a razor since ash I thought of cutting myself. I wanted to feel what she went through, I wanted to feel like she was still a part of me, despite the bracelet I’d been wearing for the past few days.
Without really thinking I snapped the razor head and pulled my skinnies down, picked up the blade and slid it across my thigh. The pain was something unimaginable, and I unintentionally gasped with the pain, sending jolts through me. I knew why people did this now, it made you feel alive.
Luckily before I could do it again the door swung open and jumpnow appeared. He didn’t care that I was sitting against the cupboard with my jeans around my knees, he didn’t care that my undies weren’t really good at hiding much. He did care about the blood which was now dripping down my leg, and the tears that had at some point started falling again.
It probably looked like I was falling apart, and honestly I felt like I was.
He sat down next to me and let me rant, making sure that the blood avoided my black pants.
This was usually something we’d both class as female, to just sit around and rant about things, but it felt right. And by the time the tears had stopped and I’d got things off my chest I felt a whole heap better.
He left the room and I grabbed a different razor and started working on the hair that’d been eating my face for the last few days.
I wasn’t paying much attention until something behind me in the mirror moved, and when I focused I noticed it was jumpnow getting undressed.
“what are you doing..”
“well you took up half my shower time so now I have to shower with you in here”
“that’s gross bro”
“you’ve seen it all before”
“yeah when I was drunk”
“dont look then”
He started to undo his jeans so I turned around and focused on my face again, luckily I had a dark shower curtain.
I finished before him, luckily and I left him to his thing. After talking to jumpnow it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and my stomach. I was starving, and seriously craving fruit loops, for some reason.
Ash had an addiction to them at “that time of the month” so luckily there was a huge box in the cupboard.
I sat down and started eating them out of the box, not caring at all.
“what are you pregnant?”
“probably. But shut it, I’m hungry”
“well hurry up we have to go in 10”
Suddenly eating wasn’t such a good year and I had to run back to the bathroom because I could taste bile again.
Id thrown up more times than I usually did a year in the past week, but luckily, today wasn’t one of them. Time was going so slow, yet so fast, and the next thing I knew I was being pulled towards the car. My heart was in my mouth, I could feel each beat through my whole body.
The funeral was scarier than I’d ever thought it would be, i was shaking like crazy and with each word spoken i got more and more nervous.
When it was my turn to speak i nearly passed out, But this was my last chance to honor her.
Clearing my throat I started, but my voice wouldn’t clear.
“I don’t know how to start, but ash changed my life, for the better. She was amazing, and if I hadnt met her I don’t know what I’d be now. I miss her so much, and it hurts.
I’m going to read a bit of the letter she left me, um because I want to know what she was to me. So um yeah. Here goes.
‘dear Shaun, I want you to know that I love you. So much. And I forgive you. You saved me, and I can never ever thank you enough for that. Without you I would have given up so long ago, I would have just kept going the way I was. And it would have killed me. No matter what you do I’ll forever forgive you, because of what you’ve done. I’m sorry for what I’m about to do…’
I think that explains it. I loved her and now she’s gone and um I can’t say anything else I’m sorry..”
By now I was crying, the tears were painful, the regret was spilling through me.
Someone lead me back to my seat, I don’t know who it was, but I couldn’t stop the tears now. I looked stupid, and felt even worse but they wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t stop hurting. The rest of the funeral was a blur, I couldn’t think straight and when it was time to say our final goodbyes to her. It was an open coffin funeral, and seeing her hurt more than anything today.
‘I love you. Goodbye..’ was all I could manage, before I passed out and things went black. I could hear people around me, but I didn’t want to wake up.
