shauns pov
We were supposed to be playing in an hour, and after trying to find some privacy but being found by some reporter had put me in a terrible mood. I was so damn angry at the world, everything was sending me over the edge today.
I wanted ash, more than anything.
I’d relocated to a corner where I thought I’d escaped from everyone, but next thing I knew Imogen was sitting in front of me frowning.
“nice one.” her voice was like ice, and right now I needed anything but ice. Ice hurt. But the best way to melt ice is with fire, isn’t?
“what” i spat back, putting as much fire into my voice as I could manage.
“I just found some poor girl almost in tears because of you”
“she shouldn’t have found me then”
Fire and ice, didn’t mix at all. In fact, they just pushed each other harder, and we both just got more and more frustrated.
“far our Shaun! Yes you lost your girlfriend, yes we slept together, yes you’re stressed and don’t want to be here, but does does the give you the right to be such an asshole to everyone? NO.” her voice went from icy to full on fire and she said the last word with so much force it practically stung. She walked off, giving me the finger on the way out.
For the first time since ash, something had actually gotten under the surface. I heard everything people said, and I reflected it back off myself, not wanting to be vulnerable. I answered, to be polite. But nothing had gotten below the surface until now.
I knew I’d been a total douche, but it hadn’t really occurred to me how much I was affecting people until now.
I trekked in back to the bathroom, raking a hand through my hair, wincing at the knots. Looking in the mirror was so painful, because I no longer could see who I wanted to. But now I could see myself, my cheeks were flushed and I had bags under my eyes. I looked like disaster, and didn’t feel much better. The water I splashed onto my face was cold, and stung almost as much as imogens words. I was determined to find that girl, and apologize but I got intercepted on the way, and dragged towards hair and makeup.
The water had left my face even worse looking, which made the hair and makeup lady frown and tut away to herself.
Normally I didn’t mind sitting around for this stuff, but today I was struggling to stay polite. I needed to speak to people, and explain some things. Most of all, I needed someone to talk to.
As much as it hurt to admit it to myself, I needed to see someone and talk to them, these thoughts were starting to rip my sanity apart. From the inside out.
By the time I was all made up and neat we were being pushed towards the stage, me pulling on a pair of neater jeans and bradie was trying to talk to me. I wanted to open up to him, but he knew me too well. Being so close to someone had it’s disadvantages, such as there was stuff I just couldn’t bring myself to share, yet bradie had seen me naked, and in far to many different states.
So I flashed him a quick half smile, grabbed my guitar and tried to put everything out of my mind. It was so clear now, this wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about me or my issues, but the fans. The ones who’d come so far just for us, the ones that would support our every move until the very end. Seeing their faces looking up at me, they were all different, and so many of them were here because of us. So many of them had dared to be themselves because of us.
And that was enough incentive to keep on going. I knew that in the early days we’d covered “famous last words” and I knew for a fact that we all still knew it.
I couldn’t think of much to say, but the words seemed to form themselves without me thinking them.
‘a few days ago i lost the best thing in my life, sorry for being a douche. This song is for ash..’
“I know.. Yeah I know.. That I can’t make you stay..’
Bradie and Andy joined in, and I put every last ounce of effort, every last ounce of pain and anger into the words.
‘I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE….’
Seeing everyone in the audience, every one of them were moving, singing, and each one had such a different story.
By the time I finished the song I was exhausted, but I felt strong enough to keep on going with the show.
