Think Of Me

Chapter Twelve

“Do you want to tell me what's going on here?” Aaron questioned as Jeanna gently shut Risa's bedroom door. He lead the way back into the kitchen and helped himself to a cup of coffee. “I mean one minute you're shutting me off and barring me out and the next you're telling me that you broke up with your boyfriend for me... Like seriously what're you doing?”

Jeanna's thoughts swirled. Had she been too impulsive? She opened the cabinet to grab another mug. “Aaron, whether we like it or not, we have Risa together.... and I'd really like for this to work out between us. We need to do what's best for her...”

“And starting this,” Aaron gestured between himself and Jeanna, “is going to be what's best for her in the long-run? What happens if things don't work out?”

Jeanna sighed and pulled the chair out across from Aaron at the table and sat down. “I'm not saying jump into this, Aaron. I don't want to just jump into this. But let me ask the questions first.” Sighing again, she took a sip from her mug and focused her attention on her fingernails. “I've hated myself ever since I saw you all over Jacqui three years ago, Aaron. Do you know what it feels like to love someone so much and then have your heart ripped out?” She laughed sadly through the tears forming in her eyes. “Only then to find out you're pregnant. And then to hear not a word from him after. Do you know how that feels?”

Aaron was silent, drawing his finger over the wood lines on the table surface.

“It makes me feel like shit. There were some days I wanted to give up. Not only had I lost my boyfriend, but I lost my best friend. And to top that off I was ashamed because I was pregnant. There were times when I seriously thought about abortion and adoption. I didn't want to give birth to your baby after what happened. I didn't want to love you or have anything to remind me of you. I wished that I had never met you and that I could erase you from my memory.” Her voice had grown soft through her speech, feelings of shame and regret resurfacing. She hadn't admitted any of this to anyone, and now she was almost astonished to find herself discussing them with Aaron of all people. “I could hardly even hold Risa when she was born. She looked too damn much like her father.” She laughed again. “You know, most mothers feel happiness when they hold their newborn and look into their eyes for the first time,” she sniffled, wiping the corners of her eyes with her knuckles. Her voice broke, “But all I could do was cry.”

Aaron couldn't speak. He felt a lump rise in his throat and he felt like he was going to cry. He loved Jeanna. He had always loved Jeanna. So, why did he let himself hurt her so badly?

“What I want to know,” she said a few moments later, her voice evening out. “is why. Why did you do it?” She looked up and met his eyes for the first time since carrying Risa to bed.

“I...” He rubbed his eyes and pulled his hands down his face. “I don't know.” His voice was small, almost silent. “I was stupid.”

Jeanna scoffed and raised her eyebrows at him. “That's your excuse?”

Aaron sighed and hid his face in his hands. “I hadn't seen you in like four months, Jeanna, and Jacqui was persistent... and I guess my hormones took over. I had never planned to carry on with it, just like how I had never planned to do it.” He looked up at her and reached across the table and grabbed her hands. “I regret what happened between us, Jeanna. I never wanted to see that look on your face. I felt like such a dick. Hell, I was a dick. I can't believe I let myself do that to you. I'm so unbelievably sorry. I wish I could go back in time... I wouldn't even tour with Hairspray if it meant still being with you...” His words trailed off as Jeanna began to cry openly. He jumped up from his seat and crossed over to sit beside her, pulling her to his chest. “Jeanna, I love you.”