Macaronic

Chapter Nineteen

I sat outside the door for a good half hour before Tim opened the door. He must've somehow heard my muffle cries, or had been watching me sit there through the window. I stood up and thanked him. He only pointed down the hall towards Ross' room.

I quickly shuffled to the room, wiping my face as I went. I stood in the door way, staring at him.

"Ross," I said, pausing because my voice was shaking.

"You were with Shelby. Why were you with Shelby? What does Shelby offer that I dont?" He bawled.

"Ross, no, it wasn't like that. We're just friends," I assured, stepping into the room.

"They always say that. Everyone who cheats says that. "Where just friends". Sure you are," He scoffed.

"Ross are you kidding me? You don't believe me?" I almost yelled.

"Well, you seem like the guy to do that," He said.

"Seriously? Ross I'm not cheating on you with Shelby. I'm not cheating on you with anyone,"

"It didn't seem like it,"

"We were eating! Friends go out and eat! It wasn't anything more than that!"

"Not you two!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked after a pause.

Ross stayed silent and took a seat on his bed. After a moment, I moved towards Ross. He shrugged at me and turned his back to my presence.

"Ross," I urged.

"I know you liked her. She was nuts about you when you first met. She tells me everything. Even if she didn't, it's obvious. I see the way she looks at you. I see the way you perk at her words. I see it, I'm not blind," He whispered.

"Ross, I don't like Shelby in that way. I don't love her. I love you,"

My voice shook as I spoke to his back, my knees collapsing and bringing me to the floor. How could he ever think this of me? Did I really come off of that much of an asshole?

"There's no feelings for her? Whatsoever?" He asked, standing and looking down at me.

"Well there's feeling. It's not strong, but it's there," I said.

Ross shook his head before fleeing from the room, locking himself in fhe bathroom. Fuck. That probably wasn't what I should've said. But I wasn't going to lie to him, then what's our relationship really worth?

I got up from the floor and rubbed my cheek, trying to lift away the imprint the carpet left. I said an awkward goodbye to Tim before getting in my car. I drove home, letting tears fly from my eyes nonstop. I saw Adam's car missing and got sad for a moment, remembering he'd be gone for 2 weeks. I parked and walked up to the door. My keys.. probably still in Shelby's car.

I let out a frustrated huff, pounding my fist on the door. Instead of phoning Shelby, I called up Barney. I requested to stay the night and he didn't even hesitate before accepting. That guy, what a sweetheart. I knew he'd be able to cheer me up. What a lad.

I got in my car and drove straight to Barney's. I made sure I was presentable and free of evidence of tears before walking into his apartment. I was greeted with a wide smile and a friendly hug.

"Thanks for letting me stay over," I said to him.

"Nos problem, Yous can sleeping in Red's room. He won't be caring," He offered.

"I couldn't, the couch is fine," I assured.

He gave me a nod before leaving to get sheets and a pillow. I thanked him a million times more before setting up my bed. I shut my phone off and stared up at the ceiling, my thoughts keeping me from getting any sleep.

I so desperately wished to be dead. I didn't want to be here, or there, or anywhere. The point was unclear to me. I knew I couldn't run away and hide for eternity, but I wanted to.

You can't just give up on someone because the situations not ideal. Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems, they're great because both people care enough to stick sound and find a way to make it work.

I needed to care enough to stay and find a way through it, and I was honestly scared. The want to stay and fix this wasn't there. Where was my love?

A true relationship was two unperfect people refusing to give up on each other. Was this it for Ross and I? We both so easily gave up... Had our love run out?

A million questions and zero answers. My eyes filled with tears at the thought of this empty love. Did I really let Shelby tear Ross and I apart? Adam was right, but I sure as hell wasn't going to tell him that.

I always manage to ruin every good thing in my life, remember that? Do you believe me now? At this point, I wouldn't have hope for me getting my shit together. It literally can't be done, I'm too damaged myself to ever fix anything.