Macaronic

Chapter Seven

     Shelby and Ross had both been on my mind since last night. If I took this step towards Shelby, the door between Ross and I may close forever. But, I feel like I need to move on, and Shelby presented the chance to do so. There's just that feeling, ya know.

     That always seems to be the case. Someone enters your life and you love them so much that when they leave, you have this void that so desperately needs to be filled. But when you try to replace them, you end up making it worse for yourself. Only they can fill that, but they're destroying you. You're caught in the middle and it's so hard to get out of that.

     Ross has been my friend 8 years, and a love interest for 3. I don't see how I'm expected to so easily let go of that. 3 years I've been waiting for something to happen between us, but not wanting it to ruin that 5.

     Shelby I've known for a week now, but there's just something about her that makes me extremely happy. My heart skips a beat every time I think about her.

     Time isn't a measure of love, maybe a week will turn out to be better than 8 years. It's hard to tell, which makes this situation harder.

     What would you do? Would you take the risk of brutally destroying your heart for the chance of maybe true love with the one you've always dreamed of, or take the easy route? Move on to someone new, someone you're not already attached to with garaunteed love and protection of your heart.

     Love... what a messed up thing, it is. At 22, I don't expect to experience this kind of trauma so soon. I expect it to be when I'm 45 and getting divorced. I'm not even in a relationship and I'm being hit with all this drama already.

     Love is a luxury. If you can handle it, you can have it. There's a lot of responsibility that comes with it. You're responsible for someone else's happiness, and what you do with that will majorly impact their life, no matter what you do.

     I don't even think I'm ready for a job like that. I'm a dick. And like I said, I always manage to mess up the best aspects of my life. I don't want to hurt Ross or Shelby, but it's inevitable although they definitely don't deserve that.

     People always tell you to go with your gut. What advice, right? What if my gut is punching the shit out of me because of how messed up I am? Do I just admit defeat and resort to not having any feelings at all? Society must be living in a fantasy, because none of these cliché advice columns really know how to help.

     My heart is constantly caught in the middle of a raging storm. Struck by lightening repeatedly, booming like thunder.

     Everyday I just sit back and think. Why did this all have to happen? After-high-school life was supposed to be my big break. All my high school relationships sucked ass. This was when I was supposed to fall in love and be set for life.

     Man, fuck the entertainment buisness. Giving me falso hope. No wonder we're all lost and pathetic.

     I snapped from my thoughts when I heard a knock on my door. I rose from the couch and waltzed over, peeking through the peep hole. Tim stood there, staring blankly at the ground as he waited. I slowly opened the door and greeted him, inviting him in.

"Did you get my text? You never replied," He said.

"Yeah I did. I'm thrilled. I've just moved on," I told him.

"Oh? You're not friends anymore?"

"Well... I don't know what we are. It's complicated," I said through a sigh.

"I'm sorry," He said to me.

"Well don't be, I've moved on. My mind is set on Shelby right now," I said proudly.

"Shelby? Like Ross' cousin Shelby? What a way to get over this," Tim said, smirking.

     That's it! I knew she was familiar!

"Wait-" I paused.

     Ross' cousin?! Seriously! Of all people I had to fall for his cousin!

     It never ends. This is just a cycle that will keep on spinning. I can't get over Ross with his cousin, that's such a dick move. But.. she's already imprinted my heart. What do I do?