Undispatched

Day 2 : A Letter To Your Crush

Dearest Nik,

I was going to leave this letter out but then I thought of you. I thought of all the times I thought of you. I thought of all the times I didn't think of you. It occurred to me that I think about you more often than I don't.

You're one of my best good friends and I don't know why, Nik. I just like you. I like you so much, it's retarded. Maybe it's because you feel ignored for so long and someone comes along and treats you right. You just feel special.

I don't know why or how Nik. I think its because you're there for the good and the bad. Right now, there's a whole lot of bad. And you're still by my side, holding me up. You take care of me regardless of how utterly broken I am. You have made the choice to stand besides me even when it is dark. You don't have to, but you do. Sometimes, I have a hard time grasping why you made that choice. Why you insist on taking up part of the weight on my shoulders and carry part of my struggles with you, even when you have your own stuff to deal with. I know you're just doing this because you're a good person. But sometimes it makes me think that you feel the same way for me too.

I would rather kill myself than admit this to you but here's the truth Nik : I think I would be dead if it weren't for you. I would. I just can't let you know. I can't let anyone have the knowledge that they hold that kind of power over me.

Three months ago, my brother passed on and I was diagnosed with PTSD. It got exhausting Nik. The panic attacks. The insomnia. The depression. The anxiety. The nightmares. The flash backs. I would often get suicidal. I kept thinking that my death would make things okay. No one would care. A few tears and they would move on.
But you climbed the wall I had build around my self and I let you. You drowned my demons. You kept me anchored. You helped me take my mind off things. You'd remind me I was important. You'd repeat it as many times as I needed you to.

I have been annoying, frustrating, emotional and overwhelming. I know. Thank you for sticking around.

I know you're never going to feel the same way about me. I think its okay but if Im going to stay friends with you I need to get over this crush that I have on you because feelings always ruin everything. I just don't know how.

I asked a friend and she told me to just tell you. I can't. Imagine me calling you up and telling you a million unimaginable things. Like how your eyes are a warm shade of caramel brown and has a golden ring to it. How your smile could light up an entire town. How good it feels when I ruffle your soft silky hair. How adorable you look when you squint your eyebrows when you don't like something I've said. How my heart beats like an 808 drum every time you pull me in for a hug.

And these are just petty things. It wouldn't even matter. Imagine me telling you brutally honest things like I want to be with you. I am the one for you. I want you to realize that. I like you so much.
Imagine me telling you all this. Can you?
Me neither.

Maybe I don't like you, you know.
Maybe I just like the idea of you. The thought of you. The way I think you make me feel.

Thus drawing conclusions, I'm going to suppress everything I have for you and just keep being your friend. You've done so much for me. I think I owe this to you.

I'm going to get over you. Despite the fact that when I look at you I feel my heart blaze and burn like a thousand splendid sun's and I don't want it to stop . But for you : I'm going to ask them to stop.

Love, Always.
Blythe ❤