My eyes are welling up and I'm hiccupping and don't even know what's going on around me anymore. I feel like everything is just too much and all at once, so of course my natural instinct is to cry.
I don't even register the fact that Zayn is suddenly by my side, pulling me into him so I can bury my face in his chest. There's something about his amazing smell that calms me down until I eventually stop crying and just try to get a hold of my current state.
Katherine asks the doctor if we can see Perrie, and Kylie's group are eager to see their friend as well, but he tells us that we unfortunately can't since they already took them to the morgue.
My body feels weak and there's a weird, unfamiliar feeling building up in my chest since I haven't experienced the death of someone so close to me, ever.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Zayn asks me an hour later, when we all exit the hospital to go back to our houses because no one feels like going out anymore.
"About what?"
He points to my stomach. "The fact that you're pregnant."
I suddenly feel nervous and scared, because I forgot all about that with everything that's been going on.
"Uh...sure."
We sit down on a bench not far from the parking lot where he parked his car. It's a bit cold, but I can barely feel it. His eyes are rimmed red because he's been crying, and it's weird to see him like this, but at the same time it's comforting, for some odd reason.
"So how long have you known?"
"Well...that Monday I left class was actually because I realized my period was late."
"I knew it."
I ignore him to continue. "I told Soph and she said I should wait one more week to make sure, and if I still don't get my period then we would visit Liam's sister. But she wasn't available today yet we still came and it turns out that I'm actually pregnant."
I wait for him to say something.
"And what do you want to do about the baby?"
"I don't know. What can I do?"
"Do you want to keep it?"
"If I keep it then I'd have to give up all plans of going to Uni and my parents would probably kick me out of the house. But I also can't...I can't abort it. I feel like I'd be too cruel." I hesitate for a couple of seconds. "What do you want to do?"
"Well...if you keep it I'm not going to be one of those arseholes that doesn't want to help out, so I'm going to respect your decision and be there for you."
My heart feels like it's about to burst from his words, and I can't believe how he managed to give me such a perfect answer.
"To be honest, I didn't expect you to take it like this."
"Like how?"
"Like...so okay. I don't know. I expected you to flip out and make a scene."
"It's my responsibility too."
I cuddle up into him and he holds me close, pressing a kiss to my temple. "It's going to be okay. If you want, after you've made your decision we can tell your parents together."
"What about your parents?"
He shrugs. "They're the least of my worries right now. When do you have to go in for another check up?"
"In three weeks."
"Alright, I'll come with you."
I smile into his chest. "You have no idea how much it means to me that you're okay about all of this."
-
Perrie and Kylie's funeral is on Saturday, three days after their parents got checked out of the hospital. They've only got minor injuries; their mother hit her head against the back of Perrie's seat, and their father broke a fucking finger.
The entire school has been mourning for five days, now, and classes got cancelled on Tuesday. The school counselor told us that her door is open for everyone who wants to go in and talk to her during a school assembly about why it isn't good to text and drive.
I blame myself to some extent for what happened to them, since she was texting me when the accident occurred. A lot of people, almost half of our school shows up at the wake that's held inside the church. It's grim to see two coffins instead of one, but nevertheless, everyone goes up to say their last goodbyes, before only close friends and family walk up to the hill so they can watch the two girls buried.
"No parent should bury his child." The pastor says, and that's when I zoom out. It's too painful to hear the words, and also think about never being able to see Perrie and Kylie ever again.
Katherine holds my hand until the coffins are in the ground, and even afterwards, when we're in the car on our way back to our house.
When I get home I go up to my room with no desire to eat dinner whatsoever, and open my driving test book, even though I'm definitely not in the mood.
My test is going to be on Wednesday, and I'm way too distracted to even pay attention. Zayn promised to take me driving on Tuesday; right before the record label party he has to attend.
I call him just so I can hear his voice, because I realized a few days ago that it soothes me for some reason.
"Hello?"
"Hi. What are you doing?"
"Trying to figure out how algebra works. You?"
"Oh, shit. We have that test on Monday."
"Yeah..." he trails off, probably wondering why I called him. We've never spoken on the phone before, mainly because I mentioned the fact that I hate phone conversations due to the fact that they're more awkward than talking to a person face to face.
"So I was wondering whether we're still up for Tuesday? You told me you'd take me driving."
"Yeah, still good. Oh, speaking of Tuesday, my dad's record label party is at seven, and he told me I can bring a plus one."
"You want me to be your plus one?"
"Why not?"
"Uh...alright. Although I have to find a decent dress, I'm good."
"I'll come pick you up and then we can get going."
"How late is it going to be?"
He thinks for a second. "Probably until the morning hours but we can leave whenever."
