My Baby Girl

Chapter 5.

In about two months, I'll have a baby in my arms. It's crazy to think, really. The birth process really scared me as well. I mean, my sister passed away when she had Hayden. I know her situation was different, since she fell off the stool we had in our apartment. The truth is, I'm just scared. I'm scared of any possible complications that could hurt myself, or Grace.

Eric keeps telling me to try to relax, and I should just try to distract myself from the situation. Either that, or look more into it. That way I can read more on the situation, and read other moms stories with their own complications. A lot of stories I read are good happy ending stories. Most stories I read were the complete opposit.

The only thing that I can really do is hope, and wait. Just hope for my baby girl to be born healthy, and wait until he arrival comes. Meanwhile, I need to get ready for her arrival. I'm already ready for Hayden's arrival, and now I'm almost ready for Grace's.

As I stood in her room, I looked around a bit. The pain of guilt I felt towards this room, is completely gone. The walls were no longer gray, but a baby pink. Her closet was almost filled with clothes, and a few boxes of diapers filled the floor. Not to mention the boxes that held other things, that Eric still needs to build.

The room looked like a mess in some ways. It looked like we just bought all these things and just threw them into the room. I wanted to put everything away, but first I told Eric I would clean up my sister Grace's things. We kept them in the garage, and Eric's been telling me we need a place for everything if I wasn't ready to donate them. Truth be told, I felt like I was. Her clothes, and some of the smaller things that didn't really have a meaning to her. It hurt having to clean them up, but I knew I had to.

Before I made my way to the garage, I started to somewhat organize my baby's things. Diapers in one corner. Unhung clothes inside the closet. Toys, to a different corner. I was very excited to lay down this beautiful, fuzzy wide carpet on the wood floor. It matches perfectly with the wall. I would have to do it after I pick out Grace's things from the garage.

Before going to the garage again, I went inside Hayden's room. I haven't actually been inside Hayden's room for a while. I've been fighting the urge to go inside it, but this time I felt like one look wouldn't hurt.

Hayden's room was just how I had last left it. Everything in its place, still waiting for Hayden to come home. I walked in, and walked to Hayden's chest of drawers. On top of it laid a box, and inside the box was Grace's necklace. The one that Isiah's Mom got, for Grace's ashes. I've never worn it, I wanted to keep it in Hayden's room so he could feel close to his Mom. When he's older he can wear it, or just keep it close to him like I do with it now.

After glimpsing at the necklace, I closed the box with a smile. I hate clearing out my sister's things, but I knew I had to. Just how I had to clear out Hayden's old clothes, I have to do the same with my sister's things.

I walked down stairs to the garage, ready to look through my sisters things. I felt this weird feeling grow in my stomach, like I wasn't ready or something to look through her things. I wasn't even sure what I would find through the boxes. When she first passed away Isiah took care of her things. When we moved it was both Eric and Isiah who packed her stuff. Now, I'm finally going to see what my sister left behind.

I opened the boxes one by one. There were a few boxes with just clothes in them, and shoes. I hadn't realized how much clothes Grace had, until now. I tried to fit as much donnatable goods in one box. In another it would be things I wanted to keep of hers.

I went through every box, one by one. I had reached the last box, and it was just filled with books. Grace and I had a huge thing for reading, at least we use to. It was our way to escape from the reality of our parents being gone. Some how reading about someone else's struggles instead of thinking of ours, it was more entertaining. At the end most stories have happy endings anyways, so it was always nice wishing and thinking about my story having a happy ending.

I smiled thinking about all the books we use to read. I decided to look through the books, one by one. I kept some, but decided to donate others. Sometimes Grace was more into science fiction books, which I wasn't really into. As much as I would love to keep all of Grace's books and things, I couldn't. I had to clear out some space.

I picked up the last book at the bottom of the box. The weird thing about this book was that it wasn't even a book, it was a journal. I knew Grace kept a journal, but I never thought I would actually hold it. I didn't want to throw out my sisters personal writing, so immediately I decided to keep it. I stood up from the floor, and almost instantly I dropped the journal.

"Crap," I mumbled. The journal fell open.

I picked it up, and as much as I didn't want to read it a few words popped out to me. I looked over the writing with furrowed brows. Was I reading right?

Dear Diary,

Today I found out that I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do. If I calculate the timing of everything, I think I'm about a month and a half. Lucas and I weren't together, so this baby isn't his. I'm positive this baby is of the one I refuse to name. How could this happen to me? I should of been more careful, but I wasn't. I'm terrified to tell him, I already know he won't take responsibility. Ever since I got back together with Lucas, he was furious. He claimed to love me, and I did the same. Maybe things wouldn't be too bad with him. He does treat me better than Lucas, he does show me more love. Why can't I just be with him instead of Lucas? I wish it was that easy, I really do. If I do this right though, maybe I can pin this baby on Lucas. No one can know about this, not until I myself know what I want to do. For all I know, maybe I don't even want to keep the baby. I just need to decide what's best for me. My life is already too horrid.

Lucas isn't Hayden's biological Dad? Grace thought about abortion? I shut the journal. My head was spinning.