My Baby Girl

Chapter 2.

Friday, the day before Hayden's first birthday. I felt guilty, not being able to protect him to stay with me. I woke up early this morning, five in the morning to be exact. As much as I tried to go back to sleep, I couldn't. All I could think about were scenarios where Hayden stays. None of them made sense, and if they did make sense I knew the police officers wouldn't go for it.

It felt like it was somehow my fault, and even though I keep telling myself it wasn't, I can't seem to believe even my own self. It was my fault. I felt the dark pain in my heart grow, it throbbed.

Losing Grace was something I mourned late for her, but I did it. Now that Hayden's gone, seems like that's all I could do, mourn. In my heart I know he's not dead, he's still alive. It just hurts knowing he isn't with me. I never thought I could feel this depression again. I thought that since I've been through so much deaths, I thought I was immune to this feeling. Maybe it's because this is different. Hayden isn't dead, and I need to stop comparing to how I felt when I lost my family to now. Hayden's alive, living his life somewhere without me.

I got up from the bed. I was alone in the room, Eric had already left to open up Java Beans. The house felt lonely. It felt lonely when Eric was here, so when he wasn't it felt even worse.

I know I shouldn't be doing this to myself, but I can't help it. I went upstairs to Hayden's room, and I felt as the dark feeling in my heart grew. Hayden was gone, and he was turning one tomorrow. I really wish there was a way I can let him know I remembered his birthday. I wish there was a way I could wish him a happy birthday, even if it's just for a second.

~*~

Not sure how long I stayed in Hayden's room for. All I know is I got out to use the restroom, and eat a small meal once. I somewhat picked up the house, before that urge to go back into his room hit me.

Sitting on the floor of Hayden's room was an everyday thing. I just sat there, and I thought about what Hayden could be up to. I thought about how things would be if Hayden were still here. Truth be told, I know how unhealthy it is for me to just sit around. For most of my pregnancy I've been sitting around, doing exactly this. I've tried therapy, I've tried everything, but nothing can get me out of this dark hole. I feel like no one's here for me either. Everyone just wants me to move on, instead of supporting me and helping me through everything.

Again, not sure how long I had stayed in the room, but it was long enough for Eric to get home. Eric opened the door to Hayden's room, and immediately I was able to tell he wasn't very hapy.

"What have you been doing all day?" Was the first thing he questioned me about.

"I cleaned a bit, ate, and this," I answered.

I heard as Eric sighed. I know seeing me like this, and being like this is hard for him. I know he probably misses how I use to be, and I know he probably wishes this was better for us both.

"Aaliyah, I know you miss Hayden. I know all of this is hard on you, and trust me it's hard on me too. You can't just hide up here though, you need to take care of yourself and our little girl." I rolled my eyes as I heard what he had to say.

I know this isn't good for me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to remember Hayden's memory, that was all. It felt like everyone was against me remembering Hayden. Even though this baby is my first pregnancy, Hayden is my first baby.

"I am taking care of myself, and our baby. Look Eric, I'm not you okay? I don't plan to replace Hayden with this baby. I'm going to find Hayden, and whether you like it or not me and him are a package deal. Honestly, it's best you get use to this because my son is important to me. I get that Hayden isn't your blood, but he's mine."

I was mad, and I was stressed. I was tired of being the only one who remembered Hayden. Why did everyone forget him? Isiah hasn't called me in a while, neither has Charotte. Eric, he cares more about his blood related family than Hayden. It's too much for me to deal with.

Eric didn't tell me anything, he just starred at me. He shook his head, and I could tell he wasn't very happy with me. He was probably shocked that I stood up for myself.

"Just remember Aaliyah, I have no blood related family, I'm adopted. You know what, I feel sorry for you for thinking that the only way to have family is by blood. My parents, and my siblings are my family. I don't care whether I carry their blood or not. Family isn't about whose blood runs in your veins, it's about the people who care for you and the ones we love. Hayden is my son, and this whole situation is killing me. I'm trying here to be strong for you, and our daughter. It just really sucks that you can't see that. You're really not the girl I fell in love with."

Eric sighed, and he turned around. He didn't exit the room, but his back was towards me. I stood up from the floor, I struggled a bit but I got up.

"Do you not love me anymore? Is that what you're saying?" I questioned him. Eric turned back around. His eyes were glowing red, and they looked really watery.

"I love you, Aaliyah. When I look at you, I can't help but just feel love. You're just not you anymore. What happend when you lost Grace? You stayed strong for so long, for Hayden. Even after you started to feel the loss of your sister, you still put Hayden first. I'm not telling you to forget about Hayden, I'm really not. All I want you to realize is that our daughter needs you. She needs you just as badly as Hayden does. Why is putting  Hayden first fair? You blame me for not caring, when it's you not caring for our daughter."

Eric turned away again, and this time he did walk out. I stood there for a second, before my legs started to walk after him.

"Where are you going?" I asked him. Eric was already walking down the stairs, but he stopped once he heard me.

"I don't know, out. I just need you to really think about this, Aaliyah. The only reason I didn't tell you all of this before was because I was scared. Now that I see you're not getting better, I thought why not? Someone has to tell you the truth, how things are. Why not me? Why not the person who loves you the most. I'll be back, I just need to cool off about all of this."

Eric walked down the stairs, and I just stood there until I heard the front door close. Maybe it wasn't me who stood up to Eric, but it was Eric who stood up to me.

I walked over to our daughter's room, which was right next door to Hayden's. As I opened the door, a pang of guilt ran through me. The room was sad, nothing compared to Hayden's. It looks worse than what I remembered.

The walls were literally gray, there was nothing in this room. No clothes, no diapers, no blankets. Not even on the floor, to be put away later. I guess the only thing we have of hers is the crib.

This time I felt like crying. Not because of Hayden, but because of my baby. I felt guilt growing. We don't even have a name picked out for her yet.

As I thought of girl names, the first name that popped in my head was Grace. My sister Grace, I could name my daughter after her. It's a beautiful name, and it belonged to a beautiful person. I looked down at my belly, and rubbed it a bit.

"If your Dad's okay with it, I think your name will be Grace," I smiled.